Cherry-Flavoured Dream

 

Don’t try to remember my name,

You don’t need it, let me be just a flicker of light,

A thing you did in a moment of desire.

I am not your perfect half – I am a second of free will,

Then I disappear like I have a million times before.

I am not bound to anyone – I am just a minute of you.

I love how casual you can go – free of worries,

I am just a flash of pleasure shared underneath the moonlight,

Don’t push it any further, stop looking.

I am already gone to the next adventure I was to take.

I know the sweetness that took over you

But I am no angel, I am the devil who takes all.

I never speak a word of truth, just what you need to get you there.

I am like a shadow – I chase and then I leave.

I am no Juliette; I don’t seek my Romeo.

I drink from the passion shared and then I disappear.

These feelings are never meant for me.

…

I come like smoke – transparent like a ghost, yet I materialize,

I am like a green drink, a reflection of the silver light above us.

You can taste me best when your mind goes numb,

When you feel the world melting slowly beneath my freezing tongue.

I am the touch that makes your heart skip a beat,

The dizziness of your sin is pulling you deeper into my fantasy,

The cherry-flavoured danger makes you unstable, yet I let you in.

This fever dream is what you craved the most unconsciously.

I never really touched your soul, you fell into the trap – chemicals running wildly.

…

Don’t try to find me, I vanish with the moon – quietly,

I was never for you to hold and cherish – I am the sickness you need to cure.

I fade away like a white lie told to hide the painful reality,

My scent is washed away from your skin like the pouring rain in the summer heat.

You might keep searching for me in a crowd of strangers,

You might keep hearing my careless laughter.

But I never belonged to the regular places you keep visiting,

I was made to visit you, ruin your peace for a night –

Never to return for a second round.

Devotion is not my game; I don’t want to be found.

Yet my echo might still return to your ears when I am not around.

Think of me as if I were a lucid dream that you almost mistook for reality,

A vivid blur between pleasure and pain - something too good to be real.

And when you wake one day hugging my shadow, fingers gently tracing your skin

You will finally know that I disappeared because I really wanted to.

The Habit

 

The bad habit is back, knocking on the door at 1 am,

Half awakened, half asleep, I gently let it in.

Movements trained to perfection,

Mask is on, time to perform.

Another empty train of thoughts,

Paralyzed, fight-or-flight mode on.

Insecurities hidden in that box

Now spread carefully on the cold floor.

Eyes dry, mouth shut – Hello darling, I am back.

...

Silent and exhausted, I am losing my stand,

Sunken deep into that false retreat of something well known.

My mistakes chasing me, reminding me of weaknesses

I thought I had successfully overcome.

Feeling pressured, no resistance left in me

Should I let myself be lost again

Or try to fight like the fighter I know I am.

Questions running wild in the darkest hours,

I feel I am fading like I’ve done so many times before.

Smile on, deceiving everyone – my finest act,

On the inside dying, trying to scream…

…

At my weakest, I still manage to resist,

My bad habit, my sweetest torture I cannot forgo,

Like my second nature, I slip up easily.

Like an old friend, I keep you close, unable to release

As if I will be empty once I let it out for good.

I am not misunderstood; I inflict the damage consciously.

I have carried it for so long, my hidden secret

My greatest pain, yet the pleasure I crave the most.

My mind is fucked up; I am not willing to stop.

The bad habit makes me feel alive, still capable of feeling,

Living in denial that the cycle stopped.

Maybe this is what still keeps me sane?

Some wounds are never meant to heal but to stay dormant,

Dressed in guilt and shame, yet I am unable to pretend

That I am fine and happy every day.

I cannot let go of what I know best even test after test,

I am not weak; I am just comfortable with this tendency,

Even driven to the extreme, I still give in.

…

Awake in the morning, the evidence is washed away,

Tiny fragments of its scent left on my skin to remind me of what I have done during the night.

I know this cycle will one day leave me hollow,

Yet I still hold it dear as if it is a sacred thing to me.

I cannot heal; who will I be without it?

I am nothing without the hunger I have learnt to feed,

So I keep repeating the process I perfected alone in that room,

Till the day it finally takes the last piece of me.

The Villain for You

 

‘’ You are the one who loves to make me small every day until nothing is left

And I am the one who gathers all the misery and then turn it into a new monstrosity…” – Bound to Fail

…

And here I stand – staring into the darkness, where all we had is gone.

I am not breaking anymore – I have done enough.

Your questions haunt me like ghosts that refuse to leave

But you were no longer the person I was dreaming of.

…

Yes, I was the one behind the rusted side of that door,

But not to guard it, just to make sure it would never be opened

Like we had done so many times before.

I was the silence that swallowed your countless pleas,

I was the keeper of the ashes of the love we had

I scattered them like I did with our ruined plans,

My hands cold, my ears deafened by the countless fights.

I saw your tears but still chose the blackness over you,

I was never afraid, just tired – already numb;

Under your damaged touch, I turned into a hollow soul.

I was the punisher you chose, a sweet cruelty shaped by pain.

Never rage, nor fire, not even a storm – just something shapeless molding into form.

I chose to stay when leaving you would have been the kindness you deserved,

Then I left when I still had my chance to salvage what remained of me.

I blurred the lines between devotion and control

Until there was nothing felt untouched – every hidden wound exposed.

And yes, I felt the moment I completely ripped your heart out,

It was never a pleasure, only the language we both spoke,

Where hurting you meant I could still feel alive.

…

And here I am, sitting in silence, thinking of you in my sleepless night

I wanted to tell my story instead of the rehearsed borrowed lines.

You call it cycle, I call it stillness – the inability that trapped my mind.

You said I made you small but I was watching you fade away,

Turning into something I no longer wanted to preserve.

With your choices you took every hope I had left, shaping me into your villain.

I was never stronger nor wiser – you were the mirror of every mistake I made.

We were so broken we mistook the habit for devotion,

Two damaged souls chained together in a war of dominance.

I am only human, though you paint me like a monster,

But there is nothing we could have done,

I remain the echo you chose to keep, long after the wounds healed.

This was our ending – not beautiful, yet not entirely cruel,

What we had became something not worth fighting for

And that’s why I let silence be the end of us.

Black-and-Blue Memory

 

I held her in a warm embrace, now I am ice.

I stayed too long, the emptiness fits me best.

We have reached the point of no return, she is the foreign taste on my lips,

Her scent is no longer calming; she smells like rage.

Her touch drove me insane; I am glad I shut her down.

…

She is like a virus, spreading through my veins,

She is the poisonous thrill – then the cage she put me in.

Her moves brought me to my knees, 

Deceived – I still survived,

Sick to my stomach I stayed – afraid of what she could do

When I refused to obey whatever she said.

My ego bruised, my skin black-and-blue,

A mental note of what I will never tolerate.

Like a snake slithering through my guarded walls,

She found a crack and nested there - in my paradise.

Like a parasite, she rooted deep inside my senses.

Lost – I stayed, confused – I endured.

But in the end, I remembered who I used to be.

…

Her silence is the song I craved to hear,

Voice muffled, paralyzed by what I have become.

And here we are – the balance has shifted.

Like a caged beast on display, I shoved her into the darkest corner of my zoo

Where I collect every dirty soul I have claimed.

I am vengeful – there is nothing left to lose.

I’ve learnt the language she taught me –

Every gaze, command and quiet threat is now a polished weapon.

She became comfortable with how small she tried to keep me – 

Contained.

But she never noticed the slightest shift,

I am the product of her twisted ways.

Now she is the one who flinches at every sudden move,

I hear her breath stumble the way mine did.

The metal crate I built from what she cherished most -  

Weakness and absence of the mind – this time they are hers.

Demise suits her best – no more pleading, only breaking is what awaits her.

She wanted someone who would never leave – stolen will,

Someone who would always stay – no matter how hard it gets.

And I passed all her tests – here I stand

But now I am on the other side of the metal frame.

I am the mirror she refused to face,

Now a carbon copy of her deranged mind – the Beast is out

And the Beast is me.

Devotion Misplaced

 

I bend my knees for you, I am unnaturally calm,

As my palms are no longer joined in grace.

My whispers now are not a devoted prayer

Before your shrine I learnt to lose myself.

My head is down, voice low – where are you?

Why am I still calling you?

I am lost in your temptation; there is no salvation for me.

Your sermons were farthest from my truth,

Yet here I am – worshiping the Queen of Hell herself.

And in the darkness of your church I broke my vows,

Your altar is in my dreams, summoning me every night at 9 pm.

Like a wounded bird, I bleed for you when we are apart,

You are the confession I will never make.

With a broken spirit I stand at my weakest

So impatiently, I look for you.

…

You are the restless curse residing in my thoughts the moment your scent evaporates from my skin,

You feed on my last drop of sincere faith.

You are the siren song I cannot escape,

You are the fire I crave, leaving me hopeless – nothing more.

Oh, my cruel devotion, every minute is the right time,

Crucified below your body, I go mad.

Your silence tattoos itself onto my skin with faint marks.

I meet your muteness like a harmful withdrawal,

I kneel until my knees forget how to stand,

I keep praying to you until I am completely gone.

…

Your absence confirms that the God is no longer listening,

Or maybe he is only deaf to me.

Every time I fall as an accomplice to your game, you call it mercy,

You broke my soul so gently and now I ask for more.

Oh, my sweet ruin, I can see through your disguise,

You gave me the answer I never sought –

And here I am, crawling, I am your unworthy dog.

You built this church to save people, yet here I am – distraught

That I am losing what little of me remains – still untold.

…

Your chapel calls my name and I am already here,

Knowing damn well that I won’t be spared for long,

Head down, palms pressed – it was never a prayer.

The words I speak were never meant to reach Heaven,

My voice trembles the moment I hear yours.

Oh, my only cruel truth, I have no lies left to tell you,

You sealed my fate; I am so undone – my body answers yours,

The moment I feel your presence – I am no longer lonely.

I kneel for you the way I knelt for Him,

I keep repeating the promises I no longer believe in,

This time I pray for us to be the final encounter,

Before I burn, delusional, in your quiet blaze.

Your shrine has shackled me as if I am its sacrifice,

My broken chants no longer echo where your lips find mine.

And in a sacred hush I yield without a name,

My breath unsteady, devotion lost countless times;

I look up at you – I choose to lose my afterlife.