The Performace

 

When the curtains fall and the light hits the stage,

Don’t get nervous, let the show begin.

Perform like you never did, put on all masks.

First start with the face you have created for the happiness

You have never felt but faked as a masterpiece.

They have never grown to love it – make them angry.

Then switch to the sad face they adore,

Leave it there for a while, make them feel they won.

A good performance shows the face of the man given up,

Fallen victim of somebody’s dirty schemes.

Keep performing even if it’s hard, this stage is unusual.

It’s time to shift from pain to pleasure,

Show them so called slutty face, make them feel uncomfortable

For all the caused shame, for every gossip they have created

Keep giving them the lust blazing in your eyes.

And finally don’t forget to give them Hell,

Realize their scariest nightmares, make them feel insane.

Keep playing they are now your puppets,

Pull the strings even harder, you hold them in your palm.

Let them feel the tears shed when no one was around,

Let them feel the wounds they have inflicted,

Let them pay you every walk of pain.

Let them taste the bitterness of their pill.

Let them feel the weakness, let them feel incomplete.

But you are not a monster; you are not like them.

You are the fantasy of their sick and twisted minds,

You are projection of their deepest desires,

You are torturer, the head demon of their inner Hell.

I am not the same as I used to be

 

I am not the same as I used to be.

I evolved to a new breed – cunning and cold.

I am not the same as I used to be,

I turned into a piece of ice –  beautiful and fragile,

But in nature what looks delicate is the vicious killer,

Merciless soul, no heart, pure surviving skills.

I am not the same as I used to be,

I remember the painful past,

The glimpses of the blinding light,

The forbidden darkness’ kisses,

The exhausting talks with the inner demons,

And the quarrels with the angels weak.

I can truly guarantee history won’t repeat itself,

I remember everything.

I keep the tokens of the previous lives,

I relieve the hidden memories every time I close my eyes.

…

My body keeps aching when I go back to those moments,

Vivid paintings of an artist unknown.

My soul vibrates with the sorrows and laughs from the past times of what I used to be,

She is no more – just a shadow lurking behind my back.

Her voice is so distant, never comes any closer.

Her music is that nostalgic sound from what is left behind,

I can barely hear the melody composed in the moments of unwanted weakness.

…

I am not the same as I used to be,

The heart is hardening; noone I believe.

The loneliness of past tense is the wanted present friend.

The future is unsure; why should I worry?

The darkness of the fragile mind and the innocence forgotten long ago

Keep creating moving stories, filling eyes with tears.

I am not the same as I used to be,

My angel and my demon merged into one face

And that face is ME.

Nothing

 

In the privacy of my own room, I close the heavy eyes

The blackness follows…fully blind.

Raging storms outside,

Inside my heart - emotional gale.

Tears and rain drops are falling in sync again,

The War of elements is ramping inside and out.

My wounded soul is roaming lonely

Around the forgotten graveyard of painful thoughts.

The storm outside is over, the sun comes up.

However, my internal night is here, cold moonshine.

The Loneliness and the Darkness, my old friends

Joining forces till my bitter end.

I feel like I am dying, same old cycle,

Same old me, same old feelings,

Never-ending insecurities, mentally exhausted

Physically still good me.

 ...

The burden is too heavy, no one understands.

Or maybe the illusionist in me

Is very well equipped to present my alternative reality.

Or maybe I am too good painter, using all the palettes too well

That the picture I have created is not looking like well curated facade.

Or maybe the composer in me used the best notes

To create the hypnotizing song to confuse all living souls.

 ...

I am neither sad nor happy,

I am neither tired nor well- rested,

I am neither all nor nothing,

I am neither good nor bad…

It’s just all those feelings buried deep inside.

Emptiness is neither curse nor blessing,

Black-and-white does not exist,

It’s all a matter of my own perception

Accompanied with a pinch of grief.

11 Months

 

Eleven months of the year, I bottle up my feelings inside,

Eleven months of the year, I am okay, I am fine.

Eleven months of the year, the walls are up high,

Eleven months of the year, I don’t hear the monsters’ whispers.

Eleven months of the year, I love the coldness of my heart,

Eleven months of the year, I love the rational acts.

…

But there is still that one month, I keep reminding myself

That I am a creature of emotions, I let them unleashed.

This one month the year, I beat myself down

For what I chose to abandon, for what I left behind.

That one month of the year, my inner hell takes over me,

That one month of the year, monsters keep coming in.

That one month of the year is the harshest punishment I get,

That one month of the year is my strength test, over and over again.

That one month of the year, I keep reliving my nightmares.

That one month of the year, my fears keep me company.

That one month of the year, I am besides myself,

That one month of the year is the scariest one.

….

Eleven months of the year, I am joyful from the outside.

Eleven months of the year, I am wreck from the inside.

Eleven months of the year, I am the mannequin - gorg and fun;

Eleven months of the year, I am peace before storm, sea of calm.

….

All twelve months are amazing, seasons rotating, ups and downs.

Only my year is different – extreme blackness and blinding shine.

The Spark

 

Fear and pain, grief and sadness!

A shattered dream – broken glass, spilt water…

Dead memories, lost feelings

Cut open already healed wounds.

Hidden tears, lost desire,

Covered face with countless scary masks.

Lost hopes, no goals

Buried in a dusty box.

...

Take the hand of the new hope,

Start breathing as if you are a new born,

Let the heart beats in different rhythms,

The life is an infinite cycle full of ups and lows.

Countless words were spoken,

Countless scars were covered,

Countless significant people were forgotten,

- Lost and gone in time.

Have you heard enough?

Empty promises of shadow friends

Can you turn the dream into reality

For the sake of staying in line?

...

Shame?

Is this what you really feel?

Like the wave from the vast ocean

Which embraces the soft sands on shore

Every pain and sadness come and go.

Just keep going, don’t give up.

It doesn’t matter how hard it hurts right now,

Let bygones be bygones.

Don’t ever bend your head down,

It’s just a temporary weakness!

The soul is like a river - 

It makes its own path.

I know right now is too much,

I know the burden is too heavy!

Your body might be in torment,

Your inner child might scream...

But still the little spark of hope remains

Making its way towards the happy end.

One Last Time

 

Come to me one last time,

Be my uninvited guest tonight,

Turn me into ashes, let me suffer,

When you are done, you can go away.

I will be sleeping.

Come to me one last night,

Punish me with those kisses which cut like razorblades.

Come to me one last night,

Punish me for every feeling I have,

Punish me because all I want is you.

Come to me one last night,

I promise, I won’t cry.

Make me lose my mind, throw my love away.

Be mine one last time, let it be tonight.

Be that guest who comes and goes, the one I hate the most.

Just one last time and then I will lock my door.

Afterwards, you will stay in my dreams,

My punishment, my sweet regret,

My endless desire, my sweet pain.

Familiar Path

 

I was walking on the pavements

Engulfed in silence and pointless thoughts.

I wanted to see the old shadows,

I wanted to open that door.

In the field of endless clouds,

I wanted to fly with transparent wings,

I wanted to see the blue river,

I wanted to sit there.

My thoughts get used to the new reality

Of running away from everything beautiful.

I am now swimming in loneliness, looking for oblivion.

But see, there are no pavements left,

My soul is filled with sudden sadness.

The old shadows disappeared,

With the feeling of the key in my hands.

I wanted to go back walking the familiar path,

But someone took my hand and carefully pulled me back.

Next To You

 

It is hard to stay with you when I am overwhelmed with pain,

It is hard to stay with you when I can hear how my inner voice screams,

It is hard to stay with you when I don’t believe in us anymore,

It is hard to stay with you when I don’t feel the love in my heart.

Storms between us, heavy hurricanes destroying my inner peace,

We are losing ourselves, we are losing each other;

Unwanted reality.

It is hard to be around you when you don’t need me,

I feel useless,

It is hard to be around you and wiping away your tears.

…

When I am gone you will realize that my soul is barren ground.

Then you will suffer that you turned me into merciless demon.

My words will turn into meaningless chatter;

Then you will try to invade my life one last time, unsuccessful try.

In the end you will try to deny how your insensitiveness killed me,

How you treat me like an object, the useless piece of the puzzle.

Silent Streets

 

I am walking on the silent streets,

Hoping to meet you again.

I want to bury my heavy head into your arms,

I want to feel how your heart skips a beat.

I am walking on the silent streets

Waiting to meet you again.

I want to look into your eyes

And get lost like I used to do.

I am walking on the silent streets,

The rain is pouring, I am soaking wet

From all the memories we used to share.

….

I am burning from within but no one is there.

Emptiness, darkness, blackness, living hell…

…

I don’t want to find you anymore.

I am walking on the silent streets,

I can’t sense you, I am glad.

I won’t roam around with hopes to find you,

I am finally complete and healed.

I don’t want to even see your silhouette,

I don’t want to suffer like I used to do.

The Cliff

 

Have you ever been on the edge of the cliff,

Face to face with the endless abyss,

Chained in shame from the desire to jump

And lose yourself?

Have you ever been on the edge of the cliff,

Borderline mad,

Taken by the desire to disappear?

Have you ever reached the limit of your powers,

When the body refuses to work?

Have you ever been a slave of your own fears?

They keep on coming in waves…

Have you ever been on the edge of the cliff,

Hearing your inner voice advising you to jump?

Have you ever been so tired of your life,

Lived in fear, in loneliness,

With a heart ripped out of your chest; broken…

…

I am broken like you - 

Hollow like a mannequin, with no soul, nor heart,

Someone stole them from me a long time ago.

And ever since then I have been sitting on this edge ready to spring.

You might ask why I am telling you all this,

It’s not your story, empty words of someone weak,

Tired of living the life.

Don’t ask, just listen,

The person rarely speaks for his own misfortunes.

The road was tough, deserted and thorny,

Without companion, I am not wanted,

Left alone after the last storm

Which annihilated my spirit.

Back then in the darkness of the night

I lost everything, it costed me a few words.

Back then in the cold nightfall,

I reached the end of the road.

…

I am sure, you are getting there,

To the edge of the cliff,

And when you reach it, you will see your life – a movie black-and-white.

You will want to take the jump.

This is my end as it was to all before me.

You won’t see the sparkle in the eyes

Once shinning bright.

This adventure is about to end.

...

Have you ever been on the edge of the cliff,

The end of your conscious self-destruction?

If the answer is yes, then brace yourself and make this decision.

This is the only way to end what is torturing you, eating you alive, killing you.

Now, please excuse my bold words and let me take my leave.

My time is running out.

Please turn your back, close your eyes

And let me finish the trip, I started in the midst of my weakening.

Just Let Me Go

 

Everybody keeps staring, screaming,

I can’t take it anymore.

Everybody keeps judging as if they know it all,

Pointing fingers, yelling…

Please let me go…

This life is chaos,

not a single piece is where it should be.

This cycle keeps on coming

Like my mind is its home,

Please let me go…

I can’t take the blame,

I am empty – black hole, no soul…

The nightmare keeps on going,

I can’t take it anymore…

I am exhausted…

Lifeless eyes, deaf ears,

What is this – life or hell.

There is no escape,

What I am supposed to do?

Just let me go…

Tired, broken, hopeless…

Can I just quietly go?

My thoughts are storms -

Destruction in my mind,

My feelings are like huge waves –

Annihilation of my soul…

Please, listen – I can’t take it any longer,

Let me go…

My Soul Is...

 

My soul is a note from the piano,

Can you hear the sound from the black keys?

My soul is an unpresentable composition,

The pianist cannot hide it.

A new piece is about to start,

A new row, a new treble clef…

I lock my emotions in a lower octave…

Lower…

An lower...

I cannot go up…

My soul is a note from the piano,

Can you hear the sound from the white keys?

This time I play the forbidden triton,

Three times – this is me.

My soul is a note from the piano,

I play with all the keys,

You can hear the chaos,

And then can you hear the base

Until I close the lid…

I am going to play this song again someday,

The melody I wrote for me…