Cruel Nature

 

I want to taste these poisonous lips just one more time,

I want to remember how does it feel like…

To feel the poison running through my veins,

Making me stop breathing,

Causing my heart to skip beats…

I want to feel weak for one last time,

As if this will be my last night.

Let me feel the dizziness again,

Let me lose my consciousness.

Let me bite these lips and then the kiss,

The kiss which makes me burn from inside out.

Watch how my inner fire consumes me,

I want you to see me at my weakest.

…

Consumed by toxic memories, I am still here in the dark,

I like to feel the pain, how tortured my soul is…

I love to beat myself down just for this venomous kiss,

The misery and self-loath is what makes me feel alive.

…

Kiss me one last time, break me again,

Let me drag myself into the never-ending agony,

I love torture, you can easily tell.

I am my worst enemy…

…

Kiss me and then run away,

Leave me restless, this is how I like it.

Torment is my middle name,

Don’t blame yourself, this is what I wish for…

….

Thank you for the kiss, now leave me be…

Troubled by my own addiction to the endless pain…

This is who I am – a broken soul, cruel by nature to her well-being.

I am not ashamed, just disappointed

Because this cycle has no end, 

I am just that powerless...

 

The Same Questions

 

I hate going down this road of pain when I try to be strong again. Sometimes I feel I am beyond repair as if I am an old phone. I hate pretending to be cheerful when the darkness still occupies my whole being. I just hate it. I feel powerless, as if I am a failure again.

I thought I was getting better and I can finally get what I want but no… for the past few weeks, I feel so down again. I just want to disappear.

Thank god I am good at acting cool, chill, always wearing my happy face and my carefree personality when in fact, I just want to get over with this torture called life. I thought I have finally achieved my goal to get rid of all my emotions, just to be back to my old self. And yet, here am I on this path again. I just had enough… Why I can’t perform a hard rest and go back to my “factory” settings? Why should I feel everything I do right now? Why I cannot stop beating myself down? Why I keep playing all these old records over and over again? Do I really love myself or love torturing myself? Why the same questions are keep coming back, keep bothering me, keep eating me alive???

Do I need try to break this cycle one last time???