I hate going down this road of pain when I try
to be strong again. Sometimes I feel I am beyond repair as if I am an old
phone. I hate pretending to be cheerful when the darkness still occupies my
whole being. I just hate it. I feel powerless, as if I am a
failure again.
I thought I was getting better and I can
finally get what I want but no… for the past few weeks, I feel so down again. I
just want to disappear.
Thank god I am good at acting cool, chill,
always wearing my happy face and my carefree personality when in fact, I just want to get over with this torture called life. I thought I have finally achieved my
goal to get rid of all my emotions, just to be back to my old self. And yet,
here am I on this path again. I just had enough… Why I can’t perform a hard
rest and go back to my “factory” settings? Why should I feel everything I do
right now? Why I cannot stop beating myself down? Why I keep playing all these
old records over and over again? Do I really love myself or love torturing
myself? Why the same questions are keep coming back, keep bothering me, keep
eating me alive???
Do I need try to break this cycle one last
time???
