Tear me
down like an old piece of clothing. I only feel alive when the pain is
unbearing and rough. I love the way it hurts every part of mind and body. Make me
suffer so deeply and when I gather all of me to feel different, new unfamiliar version
of old self. What is coming after I reach the deepest end of losing all I am? I
have never been there – the last straw, my breaking point. I want to experience
this situation when my soul is only dust and ashes. Keep torturing me, this is
my most sacred wish, don’t stop in the middle of the job – serve me right.
Why have
you become so silent, so suddenly? Is there something wrong I have said? Is it
so hard to be executioner I have been looking for? Why stopping now – it is almost
done. Should I beg you every time a doubtful thought crosses your mind? You have
said you can do it, you promised. Why now? Why?
Why are
you bending your head as if it is a heavy basket which you need to carry for
ages? Why are you so distant out of the blue? Is it my wording or the inability
to understand that sometimes you need to kill what makes you YOU and then start
to rebuild? Aren’t we the forgers of our own path, seeking creatives ways to destroy
our weakness in order to gain our inner power? What is wrong; what have I done?
Look at
me, tell me what I hate to hear; share your disdain towards my wishes. Tell me
what monster I have become. Believe me, I can understand the judgement in your
statements. I have been so in touch with what other want from me but I have
failed to grasp what I really need, so please destroy me. Obliterate the light I
have been carrying all my life and throw me into the deepest darkness so I can
be reborn.
Do you
want to know how much we are alike? The unwavering desire to fix those around
you, the determination to follow what make you feel happy, the unstoppable
willingness to change if something you perceive is wrong. But hear me out, I am
tired, all these senses and thoughts are not serving my purpose. Just finish
the job I gave you, just one last time and afterwards we are done.
Tear my
soul down, burn my feelings like a witch at the stake – hear my screams.
Annihilate the last drop of goodness in my heart and then you are free to go. Don’t
dare to give me even a sliver of the kindness you possess; this is not what I am
hoping for.
….
Like a
phoenix, I am everything and nothing; old and new at the same time. You and I –
old acquaintances bound by unbreakable vows, we keep destroying each other so
that we grow and harvest our own potential. Unfortunately, after every kill one
of us getting weaker until the inner strength is achieved. Like the sun and the
moon, we are never in sync – one is pushing back and the other is playing God. I
am sorry my old friend, I lied again. You are going to keep facing me until you
realize that your greatest demise is to feel pity when you need to be
cold-hearted if you really want to survive.
