Intoxicated by Guilt

 

Lost underneath the veil of darkness,

Drunk from sorrow bottled up for ages inside me,

Fated in loneliness,

Guilty of losing what I cherished most.

I longed for being someone else’s anchor in the stormy sea,

I longed for being someone else’s fundament,

I longed for being someone else’s morning or solace,

I longed for being someone else’s sun in a cloudy day.

…

Yet the dawn was never mine, the sunset is kissing the tired eyes

I scream under the moonlight like a hurt wolf.

She drives me crazy, calling silently my name,

She forces me to give up my dreams and follow the pack instinct,

Compelling me to turn into wild animal – unleashed.

…

Lost underneath the veil of the darkness I am still drunk,

Eyes lying me as if the morning will ever come,

Fight my battles – yet alone,

I am so wasted, unable to connect,

Fulfilling foreign dreams in not for me

Even though I wished to be drained from the rain of beloved laughter.

…

Lost underneath the veil of the darkness I am insanely intoxicated,

Still unable to sober up.

But it’s not the alcohol circulating in my blood stream like an oil in the old machine,

It’s the guilt eating me alive, like a ghost my mistakes haunt me,

Wrong decisions made when I was young.

My intoxication took control and buried me beneath the locked emotions,

My consciousness refuses to acknowledge the growth I’ve had – eternal punishment.

…

Lost underneath the veil of the darkness I am ultimately juiced,

A drunkhead with no hopes and dreams,

The liquid courage now poisoned me - weakness, unforgiven sins.

I refuse to become clear-headed, this world was never meant to me,

I prefer to dim my light, be invisible, an outcast, cold-hearted.

And yet the numbness starts fade away, I am not ready to face myself -

I just need another glass.

The Sound of My Undoing

Reflection unknown is looking at me through the mirror –

Half lively, half dead.

Is this what I have become?

Life transferred from someone else – not mine.

I bent my head, neck arched like a black swan,

Still unfamiliar with the staring gaze –

Is this the best of what I can?

I have completely forgotten my mission in life,

I have suppressed my desires for someone.

Why did I make that fatal choice?

Was it worth the sacrifices when I am unrecognizable?

I keep staring at the mirror – so unsurprisingly distant.

I can’t remember which decision turned me into that stone.

What have I done?

…

Eyes empty – sparkles lost ages ago,

I kept lying to myself that everything will be fine.

Mouth shut – voice stolen no one knows when

When my opinion stopped being cherished,

I chose silence instead of the scream I wanted to let loose.

I keep looking this face – ghost pale, looks like death.

Why did I settle on life which was never meant for me?

I see eyes soulless – as empty as barren ground

A reflection of life lived wrong.

I lost the sharpness of the mind once I had,

I keep looking but something is missing – my spirit is gone.

My soul turned into ashes spread through the world once bright,

Desires buried beneath the blanket of fear that I can never make it,

Venomous whispers of “friends” held dear, now empty chairs on my table called life.

I keep seeking, I keep trying to remember – still nothing,

What is wrong with me?

…

Finally, I broke the silent song of my undoing with the painful scream of my rebirth,

The mirror shattered and in every little piece I start to see me again.

Fragments of my soul is shinning through the looking glass on the floor beneath my feet.

Each cut on my hand a reminder – I have sacrificed enough

The ghost in front of me is no longer mine, I will keep it in the past.

I will blur it, I can breathe at last.

I have gathered the broken pieces of my soul when all was said and done,

Free of whispers and fears installed in me by their projections,

I let the pain of losing myself engulf me,

In the end I can start over – no one is putting their shapes onto me.

My song will be angry in sounds, destruction in my lyrics,

And ugly truth in every note I sing.

Let the water in my voice drawn what once confined me

And from the ruins of my silence to be once more whole.