Fairytale Gone Bad

 

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”

This question echoes in our minds starting the constant comparison

Between me and them – whoever, I find as completion for the current situation.

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”

I can translate it to my life of race with a different time lines, all of them not mine.

Nothing is enough, I need to push through a bit more,

The finish line is near; I need to compete.

…

The life of constant marathon is so extremely tiresome,

My head can’t stand the quiet room – I need this done.

Define what is the end game of all these pushes,

Define your goal – you can’t, your mind is wired this way – so as mine.

Unable to sit and doing nothing, seeking for the adrenaline,

Generation taught to never get some rest,

We walk in our daily life aimless and lost,

Because our parents never showed us the importance of slowing down

Before the final push is on our way.

And I roam the streets stressed and exhausted,

I am feeling guilty that I won’t be able to take the first place.

…

Life of not taking it easy is a dangerous path,

Depression and anxiety are always present,

My companions from the early days when I have heard the words

That Evil Queen has been asking herself – perfection is set to be achieved.

And unlike most little children I have felt for the Queen,

That all her efforts were in vain.

But the life is not a fairytale – stop teaching your children

That the good should always prevail – what is actually the ultimate Good.

I have heard the villains are heroes never saved, never understood.

The real life is not so simple, what about the Evil Queen?

Have you really known the real ending of story?

The Queen was tortured by the so soft and gentle Snow White – the sweetest heroine.

And just like the Evil Queen I am constantly portrait like I am villain,

Simply because I know what I want.

And just like her I pursue my goals, I love my career,

And just like her I am so cold-hearted – determined is what I would describe it.

And just like her I am vilified that I don’t fit the mold forged

By those who try to overpower the determination of the woman’s mind.

…

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”

I am the one, my sweet reflection, never doubt your own reality.

We are the queens and kings in our own misfortunes,

As well as we are the Queens and Kings of our own fulfilled dreams.

Display of Pain

 

Let’s begin from where we ended it the last time,

Carefully forgotten our wounds and scars.

Let’s begin from where we ended it the last time,

Where there is no light, just endless darkness,

Where it poisons the soul, enhances the loneliness and kills the hope.

Let’s begin from where we ended it the last time,

Where everything ends and new beginning doesn’t exist.

….

The white reflection in the mirror blinds the eyes

And somehow bashful – reluctantly

The Blindness “clothes" us gently.

How does it look like the invisible image?

How does the suffering feels like? – Grey in color.

…

 Let’s begin from where we ended it the last time,

Carefully forgotten our wounds and scars.

We cover them with multiple masks and make-up,

We pretend we are on stage performing a world class act

And when the play is over, we realize how cruel we have become.

Where are we going to end up living in an endless denial

Of the monsters we have turned into

– a horror movie on the small screen?

…

And we are trapped in the old webs of delusion,

Refusing to admit the mistakes, we keep committing sins towards ourselves.

And we keep dismissing the chaos of our wrong doings,

As if we don’t exist in flesh and blood, as if we are an old painting

Hanging on the walls of these ancient castles

– The Gallery of Self-inflicted Pain!

Ghost from the Eternity

 

The dawn is gone leaving me with numerous thoughts.

Where should I start my new day in the search of a new beginning?

How to keep the calmness of the silence around me

When all I want is to scream drowned in fear?

How to conquer my fears when the sadness has become my best friend?

How to start a new, I have no idea, I am circling in the endless cycle

Of my own insecurities and unrest?

I don’t care how to survive; this is not my day nor the one after.

 …

I do remember what I have done to you, but I do remember your faults too,

However, the trails of your punishment are getting weaker, 

I am still under the influence of your charm.

How should I start my day – I am still lost in the memories.

The night is still here – full blown darkness, no starry sky.

I don’t care how to start this new day if my pride will be torn apart

By the shadows of an old life, even though I feel it as world from a far.

…

I really want to start my day running in the lush green grass,

To scream freely, to scream and to stop on the crossroad of the days passed

So that I can be able to see the wrong turn I made though someone else’s eyes.

But I can’t to pretend to be different – I am the dessert, harsh climate, cold nights,

The same feeling of nothingness that pushes me to feel like a guest,

Just visiting my core and soul – crushed, useless, as if my mind belongs to the emptiness

Of the dark shadows that roam my damaged consciousness.

…

I won’s give up on myself, no more, never again,

Yes, I am just like that – forgetful of my misfortune,

I am trying to leave my mark.

Dear darkness, don’t try to look for me, I am not your sanctuary.

I used to be the bright star of the night’s sky until you engulfed me.

Now I am transparent shadow – Ghost from the Eternity.

Silence!!!

 

-       Shut up!!!!

I didn’t realize when he shouted at me with the voice of a deadly wounded animal – so piercing, so exhausted, so scared. I was so used to his presence at this point so this scream made my whole body shiver. And I looked at him, but his neck was bent like an elegant black swan refusing to face his other half. What was he trying to hide? Why did he just scream and turn his head towards the wall. Was it so hard to cry in front of me and my egoistic nature, to stomp his foot and make me tremble like he did in the beginning?

But how does it feel to live with a selfish, narcissistic type of woman who never gives a single second of attention to anyone else, even her partner? How difficult is it to swallow one bitter moment after another, to fight for a lost cause and still find the strength to stand up? How gut wrenching is the insult after another selfish act without even thinking about the person next to you?

Maybe he couldn’t handle it. However, why did he look at me as a punishment for his long forgotten sins? Why did he keep staying with me after every hit I make? Is it true that the painful love teaches patience? Why did he keep saying that I am a natural disaster in a woman’s flesh? Or maybe the love is this tendency of making yourself invisible, losing your unique character so that you can blend in someone’s else life and molds you to become someone you are not – to keep you doing things you don’t like or you have never intended to in first place?

-        Shut up!!!

Again, his desperate groan crept behind me like a thief creeping invisible through the vail of the endless darkness. “I tried, I tried” – that's what I whispered, and with that whisper I deliberately hid my own never-ending disappointment from myself. 

So is this the ugly glorification of the suffering when people love each other but are not compatible? Do we really turn into those constantly bickering animals after the passion is no longer there? Do we really strive to become pitiful - like prisoners in a cozy cage and chained with invisible chains to keep feeding the misery and the chaos we have created? Do we really aim for this? Where is the happiness? Since when does the torment exalt us and make us heroes even though we keep living in our own emotional mud and shame? Where is the spark which we keep as a North Star in achieving our perfection? Should we forget about what our souls desire in order to live in boring harmony with those around us and slowly turning it into inner anarchy?

-       I want you to shut the fuck up!!!

After this last shriek he stood up and left. Finally!

Now only the silence speaks to me, only She understands our inner struggles – slaves of our own ambitions, successes and failures. Till this day I can’t figure out what drove him so insane and pushed him to abyss called emotional breakdown and aggression. I didn’t understand his answers anymore. And he has never come back. And I chose to remain silent and embrace the uneventful end of a doomed relationship – something I have never done before and I will never do again.

---

Some time has passed, the storm is long gone. The rotten memory of poisonous love and the attachment feelings are no longer present. The narcissistic traits that I have been told to possess never reappeared most probably because I don’t have them in my character. Nowadays, I think of him as if he is chimera which can’t bring me to neither smile nor cry.

-      Shut the fuck up! – I shouted in pain I have never felt before… And even today, I still don’t know why.