- Shut up!!!!
I didn’t
realize when he shouted at me with the voice of a deadly wounded animal – so piercing,
so exhausted, so scared. I was so used to his presence at this point so this
scream made my whole body shiver. And I looked at him, but his neck was bent
like an elegant black swan refusing to face his other half. What was he trying
to hide? Why did he just scream and turn his head towards the wall. Was it
so hard to cry in front of me and my egoistic nature, to stomp his foot and
make me tremble like he did in the beginning?
But how
does it feel to live with a selfish, narcissistic type of woman who never gives a single
second of attention to anyone else, even her partner? How difficult is it to swallow one bitter
moment after another, to fight for a lost cause and still find the strength to
stand up? How gut wrenching is the insult after another selfish act without even
thinking about the person next to you?
Maybe he couldn’t
handle it. However, why did he look at me as a punishment for his long
forgotten sins? Why did he keep staying with me after every hit I make? Is it
true that the painful love teaches patience? Why did he keep saying that I am
a natural disaster in a woman’s flesh? Or maybe the love is this tendency of making
yourself invisible, losing your unique character so that you can blend in someone’s
else life and molds you to become someone you are not – to keep you doing things you don’t
like or you have never intended to in first place?
- Shut up!!!
Again, his desperate groan crept behind me
like a thief creeping invisible through the vail of the endless darkness. “I
tried, I tried” – that's what I whispered, and with that whisper I deliberately
hid my own never-ending disappointment from myself.
So is this the ugly glorification of the suffering
when people love each other but are not compatible? Do we really turn into
those constantly bickering animals after the passion is no longer there? Do we
really strive to become pitiful - like prisoners in a cozy cage and chained
with invisible chains to keep feeding the misery and the chaos we have created?
Do we really aim for this? Where is the happiness? Since when does the torment
exalt us and make us heroes even though we keep living in our own emotional mud
and shame? Where is the spark which we keep as a North Star in achieving our
perfection? Should we forget about what our souls desire in order to live in boring
harmony with those around us and slowly turning it into inner anarchy?
- I want you to shut the fuck
up!!!
After this last shriek he stood up and
left. Finally!
Now only the
silence speaks to me, only She understands our inner struggles – slaves of our
own ambitions, successes and failures. Till this day I can’t figure out what
drove him so insane and pushed him to abyss called emotional breakdown and
aggression. I didn’t understand his answers anymore. And he has never come
back. And I chose to remain silent and embrace the uneventful end of a doomed
relationship – something I have never done before and I will never do again.
---
Some time has passed, the storm is long gone. The
rotten memory of poisonous love and the attachment feelings are no longer
present. The narcissistic traits that I have been told to possess never reappeared
most probably because I don’t have them in my character. Nowadays, I think of
him as if he is chimera which can’t bring me to neither smile nor cry.
- Shut the fuck up! – I shouted in pain I have never felt before… And even today, I still don’t know why.
