Midnight Cravings

 

Same old story, endlessly repeating predicament...

Every night I crave you like a dangerous drug,

I am obsessed with the deepness of your voice.

I have embedded the bitter-sweet scent of you into my soft pillow,

I have locked the emotions of us away, let me have a taste of your poisonous body.

The burning sensation of your touch drives me insane, I am no longer in control.

I am weak like a junkie getting its fix, but don’t overstay -  my cravings have no end.

You are nothing more than a cheap dose of pleasure- dealer of night time gratification;

You are not invited for a night stay, you have two hours,

Then I expect you to walk away of this room filled with sinner’s fragrance - my ultimate descent.

…

Don’t ask me if I am afraid to fall victim into the lover’s romance – you are nothing but a breathing toy.

Don’t ask me if I am afraid you might disappoint me if I allow your presence longer than a day – don’t get too cocky – you are just a man for sin not a company for life.

Don’t ask me if I am going to regret the coldness my actions – my dear doll for pleasure, I treat you like you have no soul, less the human.

You have one task at hand, get the job done and leave me alone.

…

Another night full of cravings, another quick dose of minimal contentedness.

I can see the judgement in your eyes and posture.

I am a heartless monster, yet I have a beautiful disguise.

Another night full of cravings, another hour spent in oblivion,

Don’t come again, not even an inch closer – you’re my last chance for salvation 

And yet my possible upcoming damnation....

I am a dealer of moments, nothing permanent

And if you insist on staying you will lose the privileges of getting all the special treats.

I am an innocent monstrosity hidden in a plain side,

I have my own agenda and it's called "I do whatever I want"!!!

Last Goodbye

 

I am finally snuggled in the dark corner of my old room

Filled with sadness, emptiness and anger over my loss.

I don’t like how powerless I feel

Drained in tears, I won’t be able to see you again.

The inevitable void consumes my whole spirit

And in desperation I scream – Please forgive me!

Forgive me for all the days I did not show up when I you needed me,

Forgive me for all the times I came by for shorter period than an hour,

Please forgive foolishness of the young me taking all time for granted!!!

And now when you are no longer here, I can’t stop the guilt

For missing all the birthdays just because – countless excuses,

For not calling more often just because, another missed moment.

…

I have not had the power to shed my tears when I had to,

You taught me how a strong woman should carry herself.

I have not had the courage to raise a toast for you,

My funny bones were cut off my personality.

Please forgive my weakness even now,

When I cannot tell another joke – my inspiration is gone without you.

I know you hated these long goodbyes, you loathed the unnecessary sadness.

I will miss the words of your encouragement, how capable I am in your eyes

And with the look of a naughty child to slip a little dark-humored remark.

Forgive me grandpa, I have failed you for one last time,

When I lost my composure when the bells tossed to remember your life,

I was not able to pick up the pieces, that your absence was giving us.

In your memory I am writing this ode for a life of a good man – caring and loving, yet strict and just,

I am a mare reflection of your grand essence and I vow to uphold the standards installed by you in me.

This is my first bow in front of your bohemian aura which filled my life with joy,

My second bow is for the unweaving support you gave me, even though my thoughts were far too distant for you to understand and yet you never questioned me.

My third and final bow is for your strong persona, finding all the good when the life looks like it will crumble under the pressure of our lives weight.

Thank you for being such an inspiration for a generation you couldn’t figure out.

My last request is to look upon me, taking care of my poor soul,

And when the life gets even harder don’t be shy (I know you won’t)

Just whisper our inside joke in my ear and I will find the strength for fight and grow.

Goodbye, my dear grandpa, may your soul rest in eternal peace

And if we get another lifetime, please be my grandparent or any other of my immediate family.

Maniac In Pain

 

I am wandering alone in the darkness yet again,

Drunk again from the excruciating pain and loneliness,

Drunk from the loss of long forgotten dream.

…

I was longing to be someone else’s support system,

I was longing to be some else’s focal point,

I was longing to be some else’s beautiful dawn,

I was longing to be some else’s solace,

I was longing to be some else’s sunny day!

…

However, the dawn is not ready to grace me with its presence yet,

The Sun set into my self-induced desperation.

And the moon screamed in front of my poor judgement.

She brought the tide of tears, engulfed my bright thoughts

As if my mind is covered with low cliffs, no coasts;

The waves suffocated my desires!

I bid farewell to my impossible fantasies.

…

I am wandering alone in the darkness yet again,

Drunk from the misery of my impaired instincts.

I barely can see the furious fighter inside me –

I am tired and alone.

I am trying to fight it, no partner to correct my moves,

The ring of the starless night is only mine.

I am absent-minded even though my dreams 

Where to be someone else’s biggest supporter, 

The cheerleader on the bench of happiness.

I don’t long anymore to be drawn in the pool

Of somebody’s soft and cheerful laughter.

…

I am wandering alone in the darkness yet again,

Drunk beyond my memory,

Please don’t make me explain how hard is to keep me afloat

Of the big hole full of disdain.

The pains of the past mistakes no longer serve me,

They keep me dead inside, unmotivated to solve what troubles me today,

They killed what was left from me, faded image of the days of easiness.

My drunken soul buried the flames of life under the mud of self-loath,

It keeps me in this intoxicated state not to lose control, detained.

No more sparkles, no more blue sky,

What I am hungry for is the torment;

I feel the hunger for hatred and shame,

I am infected with a new type of virus,

More dangerous than cancer,

Spreading like a lake of wildfire

Until I am burnt in disgrace –

No memories – NEW FACE!