I am finally snuggled in the dark
corner of my old room
Filled with sadness, emptiness
and anger over my loss.
I don’t like how powerless I feel
Drained in tears, I won’t be able
to see you again.
The inevitable void consumes my
whole spirit
And in desperation I scream –
Please forgive me!
Forgive me for all the days I did
not show up when I you needed me,
Forgive me for all the times I came
by for shorter period than an hour,
Please forgive foolishness of the
young me taking all time for granted!!!
And now when you are no longer
here, I can’t stop the guilt
For missing all the birthdays
just because – countless excuses,
For not calling more often just
because, another missed moment.
…
I have not had the power to shed
my tears when I had to,
You taught me how a strong woman
should carry herself.
I have not had the courage to
raise a toast for you,
My funny bones were cut off my
personality.
Please forgive my weakness even
now,
When I cannot tell another joke
– my inspiration is gone without you.
I know you hated these long
goodbyes, you loathed the unnecessary sadness.
I will miss the words of your encouragement,
how capable I am in your eyes
And with the look of a naughty
child to slip a little dark-humored remark.
Forgive me grandpa, I have failed
you for one last time,
When I lost my composure when the
bells tossed to remember your life,
I was not able to pick up the
pieces, that your absence was giving us.
In your memory I am writing this
ode for a life of a good man – caring and loving, yet strict and just,
I am a mare reflection of your
grand essence and I vow to uphold the standards installed by you in me.
This is my first bow in front of
your bohemian aura which filled my life with joy,
My second bow is for the unweaving
support you gave me, even though my thoughts were far too distant for you to understand
and yet you never questioned me.
My third and final bow is for
your strong persona, finding all the good when the life looks like it will crumble
under the pressure of our lives weight.
Thank you for being such an
inspiration for a generation you couldn’t figure out.
My last request is to look upon
me, taking care of my poor soul,
And when the life gets even
harder don’t be shy (I know you won’t)
Just whisper our inside joke in
my ear and I will find the strength for fight and grow.
Goodbye, my dear grandpa, may
your soul rest in eternal peace
And if we get another lifetime,
please be my grandparent or any other of my immediate family.
