Your Ruin I Withdraw

 

Oh my god, it’s you again, little princess I must say no.

I have finally escaped your grip, your lips don’t shackle my neck,

The mist I spread is no longer in me, I can finally breathe freely,

The lack of your voice is so calming – silence is what I desire most.

I hope my fingertips have faded from your skin, replace them with ink.

The tattoo therapy will heal you over time.

I refuse to reach the phone when your name shines on the display,

I don’t want to hear your desperation,

I have no urge to spend one more night with you.

I will break this cycle – your shadows cannot reach me, you are not the ghost haunting me.

I no longer grave your taste – once sweet now bitter – you are no longer the poison I beg for every day.

My thoughts have finally belonged to me, you are the dim silhouette I cannot recognize.

I am no longer the potter, the clay touching my hands drives me insane – so dirty, so rugged.

I prefer to be painter in the studio with the canvas empty, ready to be filled in colours of my liking.

Your voice - once melody on repeat when my ADHD kicks in – now just chaotic sounds lacking any meaning to me,

My resilience is built up, unshaken – I stand unmoved by your pleas,

I have successfully claimed myself for me.

…

Little princess, I won’t visit you one more night,

Your scent no longer enchants me, I am sharp and at last I am awake.

I love the control I have gained when your absent, my freedom means the world to me.

I love the discipline I enforced on me, I love to stay in my lane – my peace is my order.

I no longer follow foreign desires, I don’t need you pain to feel alive.

When your chaos met my calmness last time I have finally realized

My end is near every time I am with you.

Little princess, your spells and magic no longer tempt me to enter your bed.

The broken promises between us are no longer trap me in a chokehold,

The knots once tied hard are now threads undone by my bare hands.

You and I once disaster – now I refuse to participate in this annihilation.

My firm boundaries will now protect me, I will unlearn you day by day in a steady pace.

You and I – no longer lyrics I wish to whisper on my mouth

We are not art born from passion and pain.

The healed wounds will remain old scars I don’t want to reopen for you again.

We are not seen as outlaws – I have no claim over your destructive tendencies.

My body declines your offer, I no longer laugh in ache.

And with a small effort I erase those moments spent with you,

Little princess, I chose the peace of mind over your chaotic love.

Ultimately, the normality you hate is what I seek most.

The last time you pulled me closer I felt so alien to myself,

Now I finally can feel what I am made of.

Take your sweet tea, I refuse to drink this anymore.

I am no longer drink my coffee with milk, I prefer to taste the bitterness over tour fake sweetness.

You and I together – fragments of different worlds but apart I can feel the wholeness in my heart.

I hope the last wound to heal, scar to fade and this play to stay forgotten.

No more movies black-and-white, no more endless chaos – I chose to move forward;

No more push and pull – this game is no longer on sale – in the end I am me.

…

Little princes, I hope you eventually understand

I won’t reach for you in the morning, I love the emptiness in my bed.

I don’t need your kisses, I don’t fear the dullness of the grey.

No echo of your begging remains in my head – I won’t ask to meet you.

I vowed to quit you and managed to keep my promise,

Even my skin is silent when I say your name out loud.

No shivers run though my spine when I recall your soft whisper.

I am no longer hungry for your shame and pain.

It was never love, never meant to be – illusion of a cozy fire more like hellish flames.

I am no longer drawn to you, I walked away happy in the coldness.

I won’t burn above your body, your touch lost its control.

There is no countdown, the danger is long gone -

Finally, I am whole again!!!

The Ruin I Chase

 

I still feel you next to me, your breath like a suffocating hug dances around my neck.

Your presence lingers in the air of my room, so smothering,

Your fingertips still burn the skin even though you are just a light mist.

I still cannot resist the urge to call you, to have you one more night.

You are my demise - the curse which keeps coming when I think I am healed.

Your addictive taste leaves me weak for days, I am going so insane

I can’t keep my mind occupied with clear thoughts.

I love how you mold me underneath you like how a potter shapes the clay to vase.

I am lost in your lips as if I am swimming in the ocean, sinking deeper.

Your voice is like a siren song to me, my resistance is pointless,

I have given up on me.

…

Let me have you one more time,

Poisoned from your scent I lose all the instincts for survival.

I love how primal I am with you, free from all the rules I try to keep,

I don’t like to stay in those lines, obedient, follower of the order.

When my demon meets your the real magic begins,

Two souls condemned, spellcasting in the darkness of the night,

Songs so loud, screams of promised evil seen as sinful yet so fulfilling those basic needs.

The knots of broken promises between us tied so strongly, entwined in one.

You and I together – a recipe for disaster, so dangerously playing the forbidden games.

No healthy boundaries between us, every rule to keep me safe is so easily unlearned.

You and I – synchronically creating art of passion and hurt,

Wounds so deep, impossible to cure, repeated scars, marks of stolen happiness.

We are treated as criminals – bold and unhinged in every aspect,

Our bodies laugh at the damage we inflict when we are together,

We cannot erase those moments; we are extremely toxic – normality is not for us.

Every time you pull me closer I feel the need to feel small and weak,

Like how the sugar dissolves into the hot tea – the smallest particles of me remain unchanged.

I am the milk to your coffee – making the bitter flavor bearable on the tip of your tongue.

You and I – so damaged yet together so complete,

I hope these traumas never heal – this play never gets too old.

Like a movie black-and-white, we are so classic – textbook emotionally unstable,

Push and pull, anxious avoidant – yet we manage to exist.

…

I still try to touch you in the morning even though you never stay the night

Looking for the sweetness of your mouth, I need this quick fix to survive another grey day,

Like a distant echo I still hear my words to have you one more time.

I keep promising myself I can quit you, yet my skin screams for you.

My body still shivers every time I remember your whisper in my ears.

I keep wonder if this hunger will ever be satisfied or it is just the thrill of you and I never be right for each other.

I keep being drawn to you like a moth into the flame knowing very well that

If I keep playing with your fire, I will burn down into ashes every minute,

Countdown so unpredictable, impossible to keep on track - 

Never to be whole again.

 

An Ode for the Troubled

 

Raise your glass to the anxious one,

The one who battles their silence

Aching to participate in the conversations

But always keeping their words to themselves.

The one who dreads every change in the winds,

The one who never feels complete,

The one who struggles to express what bothers them,

The one ready to endure instead of facing the demons ahead.

Raise your glass to the people-pleaser,

The one who feels small every time they try to explain what is in their mind,

The one who is always scared to draw the line,

The one who always feels unloved if they don’t serve,

The one who is always drained from the people they love,

The one who is never valued for what they are.

Raise your glass to the second best,

The one who is always there when the main friend is somewhere else,

The replacement with the good advice,

The one always happy to help yet often left on read.

The one who cherish the wrong crowd,

The one who is deafen when they try to take control,

The one who is never included when the plan is made.

Raise your glass to the second-guesser,

The who always doubt what choice should they take,

The one who never knows what is to take control,

The one who troubles with a firm stand,

The one who fears the consequences,

The one who is fighting with themselves yet unable to win the match,

The one willing to watch from the side lines.

Raise your glass to the fatalist,

The one who made peace with what is about to come,

The one whose battles are always lost,

The one unwilling to take the blame for what when wrong.

The one who is secretly scared if they take the reins and wind by chance,

The one who never learnt accountability when not deciding what to do

Is actually a choice – the worst of them all.

Raise your class for the mind-racer,

The one who craves control yet unable to put his mind on a simple task.

The one whose coping mechanism is the unvoluntary switch of thoughts,

The one who never felt what stability means,

The one who survives on short-term ideas often left incomplete.

The one who is often overwhelmed yet lacks the tools to center their inner monologue.

The one who has never taught how to process their surroundings,

The one whose mental clutter rival the absence of the mind.

The one who always feel the world is always falling behind,

The restless one who craves to stop at last.

…

Raise your glass to the many troubled never mentioned in the lines above,

I might write about you in the future poems.

I want to tell you - you are not alone, always forgotten, left in the footer note.

I salute your endurance often unnoticed by the normal ones,

You are not undeserving – you are simply different, not hard to love.

You have hidden resilience; your brain is knitted with the darker yarns.

Be proud of who you are and if the life feels hard in the darkness of the night

Ask for help, don’t be shy.

Your efforts always lurk in the shadows - never spoken, never shared.

There is my second ode for the outlander of the nous,

I feel your pain; I sense your presence – you and I are so alike in many ways.

Toast to the Invisible

 

Raise your glass to the perfectionist,

The one who plays with the chaos surrounding his thoughts,

The one who tries to navigate the unpredictability

With the precise calculation of when and what to do.

Raise your glass to the overthinker,

The one who needs to reply every conversation to the smallest detail,

Endless monologue with possibilities in his head.

The one who still cringes at night for moment happened when they were only 10,

The one who will solve every problem with fading smile.

Raise your glass to the dreamer,

The one who escapes reality with such an ease,

The one who make the fantasy into reality,

The one who is not afraid of the unknown,

The one carrying the clouds as crawn,

The one who shapes their world while they sleep.

Raise your glass to the worrier,

The one who attracts the scariest storms inside their head,

The one who map their future out,

The one who never enjoys the smallest joy,

The one who always bears hurricanes in their eyes.

Raise your glass to the insomniac,

The one who never knows the rest,

The one who fights the darkest hours in the bed alone,

The one who still trying to hold on to the slipping sanity,

The one who promised to take the magic pill

And yet is unable to find their will.

Raise your glass to the observer,

The often left unseen,

The one who struggles with the unprocessed feelings,

The ready to fight when they feel the danger,

The one unable to prevent the patterns,

The one circling in never-ending shame.

And last but not least, raise your glass to the survivor,

The one burnt in thousand flames,

The one drowned in hundred floods,

The one who never stops moving

Even when the situation feels like a dead-end.

The one who chooses to trust even though they are wounded to the core,

The who not only saves themselves, but saves us all.

The Cycle of the Flesh

 

“On a crossroad I stand in the middle of the night
To keep walking the lonely walk or to burn like a candle one more time.”

…

These lessons I am never going to learn,

I am crawling back for more – this feeling of undoing me

Like a drug is running through my veins,

I cannot get you out of my system – you are endless.

I swore I am done; I needed to pull myself back from your trap

And yet my body got a mind of its own – my worst enemy.

One of those special gazes and every little sense I had is stripped away.

One smile and I am running back you – I beg you for one last time.

When it comes to you, all I have is self-destruction, so feral in my desire

To be tamed by the coldness of your hands - you mold me like a clay.

Every whisper of my name is like a sweet melody - so hypnotic – tear me down, I don’t mind.

You are my weakness; you are the curse I cannot escape.

Tear my spirit like you tore the clothes on me – I don’t look for reasons to stay away,

Your bitterness wakes those nasty desires one by one.

With the burning touch of your fingers I sing our song,

I am not a predator; I have turned into the prey.

These visits are not for love; they are dressed in sins;

This hunger overpowers every sane thought,

This taste is all I think every night I spent with myself

And I am giving in repeatedly, no excuses left.

…

You claim you can withstand this yearning

Yet you run toward me like I am going to escape,

Broken and ruined, united as one.

Your grip says it all – you call it devotion; I call it emotional havoc.

Succumb to the darkness hidden deep within.

…

This inner betrayals won’t stop until we are exhausted,

Until the vail of the night swallows us whole.

I need us to stay like this – no one touches my mind the way you do

Quitting you feels like dying – cannot overcome this withdrawal again.

…

And here we are on the same crossroad, step back from the progress we have made.

We vowed it was for the last time, blind to this usual lie.

We cannot live without our love scars – we cannot flee unscaved.

We know we are each other’s ending- yet we are attracted to what we create when no one is around.

One is born sinner; the other is turned to one – we survive on each other’s flavour.

Why we are so seduced by our venomous dance?

And yet every time each of us leave scarred and damaged to the core.

What is this unconventional game – we bleed from our greedy cravings.

Stubbornly, tomorrow we will return for another round,

We are so helpless when our bodies got language of their own.

The life comes in cycles and we feed the worst of them – the one who destroys us the most

Yet it is the only chaos our demons call home.

The Dance of the Damned

 

Hello my dear, my sweet control freak.

I like the game we play like mouse and cat.

..

I watched you take the reigns as if your life depends on it

Yet I needed your breath to breathe.

Your touch fueled me with the passion I have lost,

Like an answer to a filthy prayer, you keep me begging.

Your scent makes me surrender; all walls are down.

Like a hungry animal I keep coming for more,

Every glance is like a shaky ground - I can’t balance my walk.

You said you want me ruined but every day you crave me more.

You wanted my chaos and I let you have it – who is the master now?

Fingertips branding every inch of me like a solid proof you stayed the night with me.

You asked for passion I gave you fire – let this steamy dance continue.

We are in the flames we are not supposed to be

But our weakness is not allowing us to pull away.

You thought that I was soft and gentle and here we are in the eye of the storm.

You thought you are the untamned one and yet we play in reverse.

You wanted to relive the dark romance fantasy – you claimed to be the sinner

Who seduced the saint but I gave you the biggest surprise.

You are the angel when my demon is awaked by the taste of your lips.

We are so damaged, yet these moments feel so real like a happiness in the darkness of the night.

You wanted to break me yet I kneeled obediently,

Letting you to lead while I follow your pace.

Drag me down, drown me in your flavour, this is how I tricked once more.

….

We are each other’s reflection, shattered by different circumstances

Pieces of the puzzle so perfectly fitting within the monster frame.

Begging is our love language, pretending to be whole

Lying to ourselves that this destructive passion is called love.

…

I fooled myself that you are easy to survive, that I master this game,

I was fool, I never walked away with my soul whole.

It was foolish to think all this toxic thing is love.

You and I only need the pain and ache,

This emotional violence mixed with the poisonous grip of you

Is what I needed to forget the devil in me.

You being my master was the filling to your emptiness, you craved possession.

…

Now the empty bedroom smells like ashes,

I still feel your uneven breaths on my neck,

My sheets still carry you and I dream of night I swore I will forget.

I keep those memories hidden yet the wounds still bleed for you.

I managed to cut the red thread between us yet the void engulfs me,

Every day I manage to stay away I lose the peace inside my heart.

…

On a crossroad I stand in the middle of the night

To keep walking the lonely walk or to burn like a candle one more time.

Midnight Tears of Iron

 

I don’t need anything; I am so used to being just me.

Any interruption I treat like a threat of my existence,

External disturbance of unhealthy voices.

I don’t need anything,

I’ve built what I lacked with my own persistence.

Away from foreign thoughts and comments,

It is my way of coping with the chaos I grow up in.

…

Some see it sad that the trust is broken, some even see me as damaged goods

And yet I am here fighting every day to what I hold dear to my heart.

I don’t see myself as a lonely princess waiting to be rescued.

In my world I am the one who carries the deepest scars

Yet always is regarded as the softest of them all.

But still those close to me try to intervene and give advices

I don’t ask for that – I only demand respect to my nature

I will talk when I find it best – as I said million times before - I don’t need anything.

Some of them are so offended – here wo go with the Hero complex:

Let me save you from yourself.

And when this request is denied, this friendship no longer serves them -

The ego boost declined.

Others present themselves as victims triggering my willingness to help

And when they got their validation, comfortably forget to call.

…

I don’t need anything,

I am what I had to become – harsh and blunt to the core.

Uncomfortable conversations held in the middle of the night

As if the darkness of the sky will hide the ugly truth revealed

Away from curious glances – enemies presenting as friends.

I don’t need anything,

I’ve cut the ties that no longer serve me.

I am no longer slave of my sweetness taken for granted,

I am not here to be the calm sea of your stormy weather.

I simply erase those existences from my life,

I am not here to heal the wounds I did not inflict.

I don’t need anything; I don’t want to be understood.

Every boundary I set is met with silence,

Let them call me Lady Cold - the thick ice cannot be broken by the timid steps above.

I don’t need anything - I’ve burnt the shaky bridges,

I don’t need those filthy hands touching my soul.

Like a phoenix rising from the smoke and ashes

I don’t pretend to be untouchable

Just claiming what feels true to me – unwilling to bend to those

Who try to make shrink into a little glimpse of their twisted illusion of who they need me to be!

I don’t need anything!

The Song of The Unnamed

Death of thousand cuts, pain deeper than the fresh wounds

Scars like medals of honor grace the body.

Is this the famous warrior or a wretch cursed by someone powerful?

Is this the promised saviour or the plague surfacing from the misery within?

…

Life like an ancient fairytale I relive every day -

Pages filled with pretentious heroism as if the world is only black and white;

Misunderstood villain with the best case ever plead losing sympathy just because.

And in this fantasy utopia I try to stay alert for all the misalignment

Shiny does not mean better – the brighter the colour more poisonous the creature.

Pointless cheers burden the throat yet the truthful whispers cost the tongue.

And here I stand engulfed by countless thoughts if these applauses are for victory to see it clear

Or another spectacle witnessing my inevitable fall.

Every smile feels insanely fake as if I am the brainless princess from the castle above,

Every act of kindness looks like calculated move.

Is the clear thought a sign of golden crown or finely forged shackles leaving invisible prints on the body?

Every face I’ve met I marked it mentally with the signs of the betrayal,

Loyalty is the impossible currency that everyone claims to posses yet the pouch is empty.

High demand yet hard to find.

This fairytale command for strong hero, yet no one really wants to pay the enormous cost.

Villains born out of necessity for opposition – who is the secret puppet master?

Every war I win feels like a compromise; every feast tastes like ash and dirt.

What if the world is dividing us into saints and monsters from an early age,

What if feel I am both yet neither feels close to my nature within?

What if the bright weather is just another mirage – poisonous air inhaled in every step I make?

What if I know I am going insane and yet I bravely chose this path?

What if the day is just a wishful thinking when I am prisoner in the darkest dungeon

And my eyes forgot the feel of sun rays?

What if this fantasy world is just my way to stay sane in a world extremely unhinged and deranged?

…

I close my eyes, tired I have decided to leave this story unfinished

Leaving the imagination to run wild as we all know the truth is not universal

Everyone has its own version like cover of a famous song.

And if I am fictional, I don’t need to find a bard to make a tune for me.

I prefer to stay a silent whisper on the lips of someone unknown.

A hero or a villain – I am unsure if I was ever real at all.

Quessence

 

A life measured in questions, each one heavier than the last.

…

Another story of unbecoming - words put in cold order

As if the pain will be tolerable for a day.

No medicine in the back pocket,

Waves of chill and heat dancing underneath the skin.

Another story of anger so well written,

No more polite conversations – let it out.

…

Growling screams so inhumanly, so abrasive.

Abstinence of happiness, fear overflowing the nervous system;

Every gesture is robotic – every action makes us increasingly undone.

Am I the only one fighting this unfortunate imbalance

Juggling between the darkness and lightness of my soul?

And yet so incomplete I feel minute by minute,

I am the only one at loss?

Walking on familiar streets yet I feel so foreign

Like an alien from outer space, so out of place

As if I am outlander banished from my home.

I can’t feel the coldness of the pouring rain,

The frigidness of the snow is no enemy to my skin,

The sun fires don’t leave marks on me anymore.

Am I still human or another human-made gadget clad in faux skin

Set free to roam the world and get better of reading human lives?

My head is spinning from too many questions, answers left unsaid;

I feel dizzy, panic mode unlocked.

Living and breathing puzzle, memories coming in riddles.

Where are the clues?

Surrounded by whispering shadows yet their voices never sound,

Staring at the reflection in the mirror – I cannot recall as mine.

I steal quick glance at my clock – time feels frozen – I am stuck?

I stand still on the solid ground and yet I feel the movement as if I am trying to walk through quicksand.

…

Surrounded by passers-by – no faces recognized, so crowded yet so empty.

I reach the end of the road, horror house in front waiting for its guests.

I stand motionless contemplating if I want to enter

I might end up in a world that doesn’t belong to me

And if I am welcomed, how will I realize if I am still me or lost for eternity?

Bonds Beyond Time and Place

 

A new season rolled out, a new year - almost passed.

Yet I find it hard to realize that the clock is ticking faster

Calendar changes like a blink of an eye – I am frozen back in time?

I find it hard to understand these concepts, my perception is not the same

I feel locked inside the prison of reality that bend the rules of the mundane life.

…

I question myself if I am way too lost in my thoughts and feelings,

Often cross-examine if I am stuck or maybe I went too far away.

And then I met you in our yearly gathering – I still feel the bonds so strong

Whatever uncertainty I had quickly vanished – I am almost me.

We sat with smiles bright, catching up excited – we have grown so much.

This friendship is like a spoon of honey to a bitter tea – add the sweetest gentle flavour

In the world bitterness and inner crises often left unsaid.

One conversation is enough to go back to what we believed when we entered this adulthood

A bit scared and confused yet so brave and sometimes even reckless,

Ready to fight in what we believed wholeheartedly.

Even when we were too naïve that the world is not a shitty place

We never backed down, side by side we pushed even harder

Eager to achieve what we wanted us to be – successful in what we found appealing

Ready to conquer in the impossible dreams.

Through hellish fires and snowy storms, we were each other’s rock – always there even if were on the brink of exhaustion, we chose to be the support system that cheers us regardless of our differences.

We chose to show up for one another, sometimes tired of the pressure, sometimes even ready escape.

…

15 years later I still see our cores so clear, a bit more serious, a bit more darkens, even beaten down at times.

And yet even though the life hasn’t always been so gracious, mercilessly painted on our souls and bodies

We stick to each other, genuine happiness for every milestone achieved.

For us the time weaves different – we are the mirrors that reflects the wins and struggles,

The hopes and even the wildest visions and fantasies.

As long as we stand by each other, we will always see growth with different lenses

From the girls with just ambitions to the women we have become – more stable and fulfilled,

Ready to face the impossible and still wild enough to keep dreaming, knowing what we need.

And most importantly fully capable to achieve whatever we decide the main goal this time is.

We keep it real to bones, we are always truthful to ourselves,

Bonds beyond time and place – four souls brought together by a chance –

A lasting friendship by choice.