Dawn chasing the darkness away, I half - awake
And I begin
to feel all that hidden pain.
Countless
questions: How am I supposed to start this day?
How am I
supposed to shut the silence down
When the
voices grow violent, quietness takes their place.
How am I
supposed to get my tasks done
When all
I know is the loneliness I live in.
…
I have
no idea where to start and where I am going… CLUELESS…
I am
circling in a well-known pattern; comfortably numb from all the races I have run.
And honestly,
I don’t give a single fuck if I can make it or not.
All I know
is that I hate today, just as I hated yesterday
And every
day stretching back for decades…
I don’t have
the patience, I am tired…
What I was
doing before reaching this point… still a fog in the brain.
I remember
some fragments of cruelty and then love,
Who broke
me is still a mystery: a family, a friend or perhaps it was just me.
…
I am
still stranded – the debate in me continues – I still loathe this day
My life
during the night is what I crave – free, unchained, untainted, untamed.
How am I
supposed to care when my pride bleeds beneath the borrowed smiles.
Oh, how I
wish to be able to run wild, breath racing with the wind until they become one,
I desire
to scream – uncontrolled, hungry to conquer my fears.
I dream
of the day when I can reach that crossroad – to be able to fully be myself.
I yearn to
stand on that nexus, finally able to see from a different perspective…
…
Unfortunately,
I cannot be someone different – I am crushed under the weight of time
I am already
damaged, countless hurricanes howling in my mind.
I cannot
break the vows I made years ago to save myself – my knight in shining armor has
always worn my face.
I am the
princess and the villain at the same time – depending on what I need to tackle.
…
Don’t try
to save me - I am the untraceable drug in the bloodstream,
The silent
quake within my world,
I am the
silent shadow, the slight darkness in the corner of the lit room.
Don’t try
to find me – I am not meant to be found.
I love
being an echo of the long-forgotten song,
I chose to be the night that outlived the dawn.
