And the cycle
started again. I felt the pain in my heart, my eyes were filled with tears, my brain switched
off again. All I wanted was to be dead – just like I felt. Part of my heart was
viciously ripped out again. All I wanted was stolen from me with several simple
words. I started to play these words over and over again. They were so harsh
back then and they are still harsh today. These words cut me so deep that I started
to feel those forgotten panic attacks but this time they were even harder.
All I was
thinking was “Not again!”. I’ve been through this so many times that I couldn’t
remember when I was happy for the last time. The days were passing by so slowly
that I couldn’t draw the timeline of the past few months. Every day seemed the
same – a horrible nightmare which kept coming back even more real than the day before.
“What I have
done to deserve this?” became the question of the day. I kept playing the last
year and nothing – all I saw was the rejection and my endless tries to fix what
wasn’t broken, or was it?
My hopes, my
dreams, my desires shattered on thousand pieces with just a few words; those
simple words. That was the price I payed for being supportive, understanding,
loving, caring and waiting. For what – for rejection once again?
Sometimes I don’t
understand love and I will never do it. When it became so complicated, so demanding,
so ungrateful? When the bliss of sharing your most intimate pieces of your soul
turned into uncertainty, doubts, lack of effort? When they stopped walking into
my shoes the same way I did for them? When they denied to try? When? These four
letters and one question mark.
I used to like
this question. Once it meant hope, plan for the future, definition of my
timeline. It used to make my body thrills of excitement, it used to make me feel the next exciting thing. A few years later, “when” turned into damnation
of my soul, crashing my hopes and dreams; my torture killer as if I am waiting
for a death sentence.
I still long for
this sentence – to end my misery, to free me from the case of the unknown, to let
this poor soul go into the eternity. Sometimes I imagine how it should be done, I have
several scripts for it. So far, I am still waiting but for the past month I started
thinking not to wait for it and take the matters into my own hands. I will be my executioner;
I will be the one who has the power to end this cycle. I have options but
something still stands on my way of freeing my soul from my body. To be honest,
I don’t know how much I can take from now on. I feel how my soul cracks, how
pieces are falling into the darkness, how the emptiness takes place and how
dead my eyes are. I know it’s about time, I know I don’t have much time left, I
know that this road is a dead end. I’ve been there before and somehow, I managed
to escape but this time, this time is different. This time it went too far, so
far that I cannot see any possibility of being my old me.
This cycle is
the last one for me, the darkest one, the most hopeless one. I knew that
someday I might be on this road again and I won’t be able to turn around and
escape. It has been keeping coming back for the past 15 years. I was able to
minimize its influence over me till now. You know it is like in physics, every
object has its breaking point. Once you find this breaking point, the damage is
done; it is irreversible. I feel that my limit is almost reached, not much is left.
Well, at least this cycle will be broken and it won’t torture me anymore. How? When?
I don’t know yet. But I know it will end one way or another.
Cycles – people tend
to love them. They keep people happy, waiting, excited. They drive them to impossible
achievements and make them wanting more. Even in pain, they look appealing. But
not every cycle is a happy one, just like mine. Some people love to be in the
cycle, others, just like me want to break away from it no matter how high the price is. And some, just like me, are willing to pay it no matter if it leaves
a trace of endless pain, emptiness, loneliness. The greatest demon is the dark
cycle just like mine. It sucks the life from you and then tosses your body soulless,
lifeless, hopeless. And I know this demon is getting stronger day by day. Once it
reaches its full potential, then the doom will come for you. Mine is almost
ready for the” final battle”, the battle I know I cannot win.
The cycles – so amusing,
so unpredictable, so fascinating. Some give life, some take life.
