Let me tell a story – the story of why I am so calm
The
tragedy of, how from being lonely, I become whole.
…
In the
dining room, spread around the table, 13 chairs hug the circular space
Some of
them occasionally empty, some are always filled.
This is
where we all sit – I and the twelve demons who keep me company.
Today I
have only six, the rest are not in the mood
But I
never judge them if they disappear, we don’t have to sit all together every
night
For I
know that I am cared for.
…
Right
next to me is Shady, this is what I call my demon grief
Beside
him is Ray, my depression beast, always come together, always sitting close to
me.
Every
time I see them, I know that I am completely shut down
Bottling
up the sadness and the need to feel, trying to pretend I am strong.
They are
big and scary, yet to me they are the dearest, always taking care of me.
They are
my ugly mirror of the heartless mortal I can one day turn into.
They
help process those hard emotions, with a gentle touch almost heavenly.
Today I
tried to shut the pain down, the unsettling sensation of being held hostage in
a place I need to be.
They
share another seemingly fun story, then wrap me in a tight hug
And this
is how I start to drown in sorrow and regret over what I should have been.
Ray is
stronger, sometimes her embrace is almost suffocating, unwillingly she tightens
up her grip.
On the
left joins Yan Da, the behemoth of anger with blue eyes.
She is
always opinionated, insisting that I should stop the bullshit of
self-destruction,
Always
separating me from the other two.
Trying
to teach me how to get them out of my system, occasionally losing my shit.
She is
overbearing when she strongly disagrees, always straightforward with words,
Always
aiming to win.
Silently
beside her joins us Sailor, the colossus of Hope in all his darkness with a
friendly smile.
He starts
spinning all these fantasies with ease and charm,
He can
turn every story into a fully fledged daydream, making me lose touch with
reality.
I know
he wants to make me feel better but his sweet delusion sometimes turns me into a
fool for things that will never be.
He
brings his twin, Anchor, the titan of disillusionment, usually the quietest of
them all,
The one
who mostly stays silent when the others bicker but is ready to set the fall.
When
Sailor paints a beautiful picture, Anchor draws the final colour, usually
black.
With
every act he reminds me that sweet talking is for weak people, I should stay
real day by day.
He never
means to hurt me, just to keep me grounded, so I don’t get hurt,
Yet
every spoken truth he shares makes a piece of me go numb.
Even
though he is the kindest, his voice hurts most.
With
heavy steps, Draven joins the table, my lovely phantom of Dissatisfaction.
Always
perfect, ever so put together with a face always grim
As if
what we have is never great and wholesome, he is always looking for more.
He is
the one I love most, the one who teaches me how to notice every detail
Even
insignificant ones.
He is
the one who joins every day without fail, giving me advice,
Analyzing
whatever I can’t.
Never
misses his chance to point out what I could have done better,
Even
when I firmly believe it was my all.
He is
rarely pleased, always keenly aware of what could have been different
Occasionally
reducing the war I won to a small battle, painfully aware of the grand picture.
I know
he is the one who roots for me the most,
Yet
sometimes I wish he could just shut the fuck up for a second,
Leaving
me to feel enough.
…
My
demons might look scary and obsessive, pulling me down
Yet they
are always there when I need to let every burden out.
They
fear I might turn back to a lone wolf in the harshest winter,
Staying
silent, never noticed, abandoned by my own kind.
That’s
why every evening at least one of them sits next to me,
Usually,
the one I need the most.
They
don’t treat me like a host to feed from
On the
contrary, they keep me from getting lost.
They
might be the demons people fear, yet to me they are the only ones who have never
left
And
maybe I’ve become too comfortable with my own darkness and the creatures it
brings.
But I am
still alive because I share my table with twelve demons
And
perhaps my great tragedy is that I find peace in the very things that were
supposed to destroy me,
To erase me, yet here I stand.
