Midnight Tears of Iron

 

I don’t need anything; I am so used to being just me.

Any interruption I treat like a threat of my existence,

External disturbance of unhealthy voices.

I don’t need anything,

I’ve built what I lacked with my own persistence.

Away from foreign thoughts and comments,

It is my way of coping with the chaos I grow up in.

…

Some see it sad that the trust is broken, some even see me as damaged goods

And yet I am here fighting every day to what I hold dear to my heart.

I don’t see myself as a lonely princess waiting to be rescued.

In my world I am the one who carries the deepest scars

Yet always is regarded as the softest of them all.

But still those close to me try to intervene and give advices

I don’t ask for that – I only demand respect to my nature

I will talk when I find it best – as I said million times before - I don’t need anything.

Some of them are so offended – here wo go with the Hero complex:

Let me save you from yourself.

And when this request is denied, this friendship no longer serves them -

The ego boost declined.

Others present themselves as victims triggering my willingness to help

And when they got their validation, comfortably forget to call.

…

I don’t need anything,

I am what I had to become – harsh and blunt to the core.

Uncomfortable conversations held in the middle of the night

As if the darkness of the sky will hide the ugly truth revealed

Away from curious glances – enemies presenting as friends.

I don’t need anything,

I’ve cut the ties that no longer serve me.

I am no longer slave of my sweetness taken for granted,

I am not here to be the calm sea of your stormy weather.

I simply erase those existences from my life,

I am not here to heal the wounds I did not inflict.

I don’t need anything; I don’t want to be understood.

Every boundary I set is met with silence,

Let them call me Lady Cold - the thick ice cannot be broken by the timid steps above.

I don’t need anything - I’ve burnt the shaky bridges,

I don’t need those filthy hands touching my soul.

Like a phoenix rising from the smoke and ashes

I don’t pretend to be untouchable

Just claiming what feels true to me – unwilling to bend to those

Who try to make shrink into a little glimpse of their twisted illusion of who they need me to be!

I don’t need anything!

The Song of The Unnamed

Death of thousand cuts, pain deeper than the fresh wounds

Scars like medals of honor grace the body.

Is this the famous warrior or a wretch cursed by someone powerful?

Is this the promised saviour or the plague surfacing from the misery within?

…

Life like an ancient fairytale I relive every day -

Pages filled with pretentious heroism as if the world is only black and white;

Misunderstood villain with the best case ever plead losing sympathy just because.

And in this fantasy utopia I try to stay alert for all the misalignment

Shiny does not mean better – the brighter the colour more poisonous the creature.

Pointless cheers burden the throat yet the truthful whispers cost the tongue.

And here I stand engulfed by countless thoughts if these applauses are for victory to see it clear

Or another spectacle witnessing my inevitable fall.

Every smile feels insanely fake as if I am the brainless princess from the castle above,

Every act of kindness looks like calculated move.

Is the clear thought a sign of golden crown or finely forged shackles leaving invisible prints on the body?

Every face I’ve met I marked it mentally with the signs of the betrayal,

Loyalty is the impossible currency that everyone claims to posses yet the pouch is empty.

High demand yet hard to find.

This fairytale command for strong hero, yet no one really wants to pay the enormous cost.

Villains born out of necessity for opposition – who is the secret puppet master?

Every war I win feels like a compromise; every feast tastes like ash and dirt.

What if the world is dividing us into saints and monsters from an early age,

What if feel I am both yet neither feels close to my nature within?

What if the bright weather is just another mirage – poisonous air inhaled in every step I make?

What if I know I am going insane and yet I bravely chose this path?

What if the day is just a wishful thinking when I am prisoner in the darkest dungeon

And my eyes forgot the feel of sun rays?

What if this fantasy world is just my way to stay sane in a world extremely unhinged and deranged?

…

I close my eyes, tired I have decided to leave this story unfinished

Leaving the imagination to run wild as we all know the truth is not universal

Everyone has its own version like cover of a famous song.

And if I am fictional, I don’t need to find a bard to make a tune for me.

I prefer to stay a silent whisper on the lips of someone unknown.

A hero or a villain – I am unsure if I was ever real at all.

Quessence

 

A life measured in questions, each one heavier than the last.

…

Another story of unbecoming - words put in cold order

As if the pain will be tolerable for a day.

No medicine in the back pocket,

Waves of chill and heat dancing underneath the skin.

Another story of anger so well written,

No more polite conversations – let it out.

…

Growling screams so inhumanly, so abrasive.

Abstinence of happiness, fear overflowing the nervous system;

Every gesture is robotic – every action makes us increasingly undone.

Am I the only one fighting this unfortunate imbalance

Juggling between the darkness and lightness of my soul?

And yet so incomplete I feel minute by minute,

I am the only one at loss?

Walking on familiar streets yet I feel so foreign

Like an alien from outer space, so out of place

As if I am outlander banished from my home.

I can’t feel the coldness of the pouring rain,

The frigidness of the snow is no enemy to my skin,

The sun fires don’t leave marks on me anymore.

Am I still human or another human-made gadget clad in faux skin

Set free to roam the world and get better of reading human lives?

My head is spinning from too many questions, answers left unsaid;

I feel dizzy, panic mode unlocked.

Living and breathing puzzle, memories coming in riddles.

Where are the clues?

Surrounded by whispering shadows yet their voices never sound,

Staring at the reflection in the mirror – I cannot recall as mine.

I steal quick glance at my clock – time feels frozen – I am stuck?

I stand still on the solid ground and yet I feel the movement as if I am trying to walk through quicksand.

…

Surrounded by passers-by – no faces recognized, so crowded yet so empty.

I reach the end of the road, horror house in front waiting for its guests.

I stand motionless contemplating if I want to enter

I might end up in a world that doesn’t belong to me

And if I am welcomed, how will I realize if I am still me or lost for eternity?

Bonds Beyond Time and Place

 

A new season rolled out, a new year - almost passed.

Yet I find it hard to realize that the clock is ticking faster

Calendar changes like a blink of an eye – I am frozen back in time?

I find it hard to understand these concepts, my perception is not the same

I feel locked inside the prison of reality that bend the rules of the mundane life.

…

I question myself if I am way too lost in my thoughts and feelings,

Often cross-examine if I am stuck or maybe I went too far away.

And then I met you in our yearly gathering – I still feel the bonds so strong

Whatever uncertainty I had quickly vanished – I am almost me.

We sat with smiles bright, catching up excited – we have grown so much.

This friendship is like a spoon of honey to a bitter tea – add the sweetest gentle flavour

In the world bitterness and inner crises often left unsaid.

One conversation is enough to go back to what we believed when we entered this adulthood

A bit scared and confused yet so brave and sometimes even reckless,

Ready to fight in what we believed wholeheartedly.

Even when we were too naïve that the world is not a shitty place

We never backed down, side by side we pushed even harder

Eager to achieve what we wanted us to be – successful in what we found appealing

Ready to conquer in the impossible dreams.

Through hellish fires and snowy storms, we were each other’s rock – always there even if were on the brink of exhaustion, we chose to be the support system that cheers us regardless of our differences.

We chose to show up for one another, sometimes tired of the pressure, sometimes even ready escape.

…

15 years later I still see our cores so clear, a bit more serious, a bit more darkens, even beaten down at times.

And yet even though the life hasn’t always been so gracious, mercilessly painted on our souls and bodies

We stick to each other, genuine happiness for every milestone achieved.

For us the time weaves different – we are the mirrors that reflects the wins and struggles,

The hopes and even the wildest visions and fantasies.

As long as we stand by each other, we will always see growth with different lenses

From the girls with just ambitions to the women we have become – more stable and fulfilled,

Ready to face the impossible and still wild enough to keep dreaming, knowing what we need.

And most importantly fully capable to achieve whatever we decide the main goal this time is.

We keep it real to bones, we are always truthful to ourselves,

Bonds beyond time and place – four souls brought together by a chance –

A lasting friendship by choice.

Freedom Is My Name

 

Freedom is my name or maybe I keep telling myself that

Tired of all the invisible chains of the adulthood,

Forced to perform well, measured by possessions,

Should do what the others do, caged in normality.

Freedom is my name, I keep telling myself that

Not to forget the sweetness of my dreams coming true

Going against the current of what I was instilled by other,

Possessing different perspective, doing what I love.

Freedom is my name; I don’t belong to anyone but me.

Seeing beauty in what the others despise, dancing wild in my own music

Running like crazy on the green grass, everyone sees dry,

Like a bird I freely fly unbothered, refusing to bent the knee.

Freedom is my name, I don’t gel with what Is expected

Chasing the winds when everyone looks for shelter from the storms;

Pouring rain instead of hair, fire instead of eyes – I ain’t made of clay

I am unmoldable, iron heart from I can’t recognize as mine.

Freedom is my name – I am the untamed one

Whose joy comes from falling inlove with her soul every day,

Refusing to change when the change is not required,

Evolving in my own pace, my life is not a race with other’s timelines.

Freedom is my name – I keep shouting aloud when the world goes silent,

When the lines of my reality are blurred with someone else’s direction,

When the song lose its meaning I refuse to dance,

When lyrics don’t match my voice and vision anymore.

Freedom is my name, I keep telling myself that

Not to settle with less before I try to forge my own path,

It’s like a mantra I chant every time I feel down,

Influenced of what does not reflect me.

Freedom is my name – it is never easy, rarely do I face kindness or understanding

But the power comes from within – I am my biggest critic yet my greatest supporter,

Life is never easy when you walk on your own, against the grain.

Freedom is my name, Bravery is what comes with it.

I don’t look for applauses nor spotlight, I am perfectly contain with what I currently am,

No need of flashy stage, just a small corner where I am what I was always meant to be–

To be fully, wildly, unapologetically ME!

Freedom is my name and I feel FREE!