The Sound of My Undoing

Reflection unknown is looking at me through the mirror –

Half lively, half dead.

Is this what I have become?

Life transferred from someone else – not mine.

I bent my head, neck arched like a black swan,

Still unfamiliar with the staring gaze –

Is this the best of what I can?

I have completely forgotten my mission in life,

I have suppressed my desires for someone.

Why did I make that fatal choice?

Was it worth the sacrifices when I am unrecognizable?

I keep staring at the mirror – so unsurprisingly distant.

I can’t remember which decision turned me into that stone.

What have I done?

…

Eyes empty – sparkles lost ages ago,

I kept lying to myself that everything will be fine.

Mouth shut – voice stolen no one knows when

When my opinion stopped being cherished,

I chose silence instead of the scream I wanted to let loose.

I keep looking this face – ghost pale, looks like death.

Why did I settle on life which was never meant for me?

I see eyes soulless – as empty as barren ground

A reflection of life lived wrong.

I lost the sharpness of the mind once I had,

I keep looking but something is missing – my spirit is gone.

My soul turned into ashes spread through the world once bright,

Desires buried beneath the blanket of fear that I can never make it,

Venomous whispers of “friends” held dear, now empty chairs on my table called life.

I keep seeking, I keep trying to remember – still nothing,

What is wrong with me?

…

Finally, I broke the silent song of my undoing with the painful scream of my rebirth,

The mirror shattered and in every little piece I start to see me again.

Fragments of my soul is shinning through the looking glass on the floor beneath my feet.

Each cut on my hand a reminder – I have sacrificed enough

The ghost in front of me is no longer mine, I will keep it in the past.

I will blur it, I can breathe at last.

I have gathered the broken pieces of my soul when all was said and done,

Free of whispers and fears installed in me by their projections,

I let the pain of losing myself engulf me,

In the end I can start over – no one is putting their shapes onto me.

My song will be angry in sounds, destruction in my lyrics,

And ugly truth in every note I sing.

Let the water in my voice drawn what once confined me

And from the ruins of my silence to be once more whole.

 

For Those Who Remain

Raise your glass to the Seeker, the curious one

Always looking for new adventures to spice up their existence

With unquenching thirst for new sensations

Never leaves stones unturned until the curiosity lives within.

Raise your glass to the Risk-taker,

The one who is brave to face fears and manages to win.

Even they lose the passion burns unstoppably until they prove themselves right or wrong.

Chasing the thrill of the unknown until their last breath goes out of their lungs.

Raise your glass to the Believer, the one who has undying faith even when the days are darker,

Even when the nights are cold, they keep going.

No matter how hopeless is the situation they’ve learnt to keep believing

As long as they stay true what their heart dictates them – ultimate belief in higher powers,

Confidence unmeasurable, strong will.

Raise your glass to the Builder – the one who is not afraid to turn the ashes into lush gardens,

The one skilled with hands and manner, language and presence.

The one taking the most impossible projects turning them from dreams into reality.

The one who is not afraid from the dirt on their hands, from the filth in their minds

As long as they keep creating what they deem worthy of developing.

Raise your glass to the Truth-finder – the one who never lives into the mist of what the others think is appropriate.

Their hunger for truth keeps them going into the vastness of the untold,

Their passion for transparency moves them to the boundlessness of what was never revealed.

Their longing for uncovering what lays hidden is dangerous yet captivating to be followed –

Like a play in the theater masks are falling – ugly truths on display, angry mobs tailing.

Their courage is tremendous, deserving recognition in the fake world we are currently live in.

Raise your glass to the Thriver – the one who stands still even through the harshest storms,

The one who turns each scar into a valuable lesson,

Making each loss into an art of who be reborn stronger than before.

The one who never claims they are broken even though every pain paints on their mind and body.

They do not seek for easiness but seek the deeper meaning

And in every ending they still manage to find a chance be better.

Their compass is called hope, the resilience is their form of art

And in silence they sing the song of patience.

They dance together with the chaos, maniacally laughing at the uneven odds,

They knowing endurance can make them last this long.

…

And with this poem my trilogy of remembrance of those who stay hidden comes to an end.

It was my pleasure to shed a light on all of you who are often left unspoken

As if your stories do not worth telling.

I raise the glass to those I may have forgotten, it was never meant to be.

I salute your strongest features, being true to yourselves in world where noise is the currency of choice.

May your inner strength quietly echo longer than the loudest pretenders try do.

To the unseen, the loyal, the unapologetically real – my final toast is to you. 

 

The Drifter

 

I am walking the streets once familiar,

Filled with cherished memories

Now I feel them faded, barely existing in my head.

I loved those cobblestones streets,

Now so indifferent to me – foreign under my steps.

Once I dreamt of living there till my walk on this world comes to an end,

Now I feel nothing – no magic, no happiness, no belonging.

You are so ancient yet so alien – I don’t see myself spending a day more here.

…

Unlike you I am changed,

You are so unmoved, yet I keep going.

The same bells disrupting the silence every Sunday at 7 am,

Same cold winter wind sings its songs every morning from October to December.

I tried to belong to you, I felt you crawling under my skin

Desperate to find my place under the sun, yet I was mistaken.

I carved my name into your vast history,

Yet I will stay unknown like an ancient concubine into the emperor’s harem.

Fourteen years yet I feel like I am visiting you,

Even though I know every path ant turn by heart,

My shadow engraved into the pavements as if I am part of you,

A stranger to a place I once called home,

The lights from the windows don’t feel warm.

All those benches are sitting next to the river,

I meet with friends in those cafes, yet the same places do not bring more familiarity.

…

I speak your language but my soul is not one with yours

My roots cannot live here, nor anywhere else – I am visitor wherever I go.

You keep your rhythm so slow paced,

My heart dances under the melody of different drums.

Your silences weigh on my heart like a boulder,

My light doesn’t shine with your intensity.

Your stillness cannot stop the movements I have been craving lately.

I hoped for understating and a happy life –

This nativity slipped through your cracks like the water spills from my hands.

You leave me shapeless, lost and forgotten between the names you love more.

The more I stay here, the more I drift into your limbo,

Caught between fake belonging and honest departure -

A familiar stranger walking the historical streets which never called my name.

…

I hoped the time I spent there will make you mine

But it only showed me how wrong I am – no match for these narrow passages.

You will outlast me, standing still from ancient times till now.

And I am receding – a name that never settled,

A story which I left unclaimed.

Your Ruin I Withdraw

 

Oh my god, it’s you again, little princess I must say no.

I have finally escaped your grip, your lips don’t shackle my neck,

The mist I spread is no longer in me, I can finally breathe freely,

The lack of your voice is so calming – silence is what I desire most.

I hope my fingertips have faded from your skin, replace them with ink.

The tattoo therapy will heal you over time.

I refuse to reach the phone when your name shines on the display,

I don’t want to hear your desperation,

I have no urge to spend one more night with you.

I will break this cycle – your shadows cannot reach me, you are not the ghost haunting me.

I no longer grave your taste – once sweet now bitter – you are no longer the poison I beg for every day.

My thoughts have finally belonged to me, you are the dim silhouette I cannot recognize.

I am no longer the potter, the clay touching my hands drives me insane – so dirty, so rugged.

I prefer to be painter in the studio with the canvas empty, ready to be filled in colours of my liking.

Your voice - once melody on repeat when my ADHD kicks in – now just chaotic sounds lacking any meaning to me,

My resilience is built up, unshaken – I stand unmoved by your pleas,

I have successfully claimed myself for me.

…

Little princess, I won’t visit you one more night,

Your scent no longer enchants me, I am sharp and at last I am awake.

I love the control I have gained when your absent, my freedom means the world to me.

I love the discipline I enforced on me, I love to stay in my lane – my peace is my order.

I no longer follow foreign desires, I don’t need you pain to feel alive.

When your chaos met my calmness last time I have finally realized

My end is near every time I am with you.

Little princess, your spells and magic no longer tempt me to enter your bed.

The broken promises between us are no longer trap me in a chokehold,

The knots once tied hard are now threads undone by my bare hands.

You and I once disaster – now I refuse to participate in this annihilation.

My firm boundaries will now protect me, I will unlearn you day by day in a steady pace.

You and I – no longer lyrics I wish to whisper on my mouth

We are not art born from passion and pain.

The healed wounds will remain old scars I don’t want to reopen for you again.

We are not seen as outlaws – I have no claim over your destructive tendencies.

My body declines your offer, I no longer laugh in ache.

And with a small effort I erase those moments spent with you,

Little princess, I chose the peace of mind over your chaotic love.

Ultimately, the normality you hate is what I seek most.

The last time you pulled me closer I felt so alien to myself,

Now I finally can feel what I am made of.

Take your sweet tea, I refuse to drink this anymore.

I am no longer drink my coffee with milk, I prefer to taste the bitterness over tour fake sweetness.

You and I together – fragments of different worlds but apart I can feel the wholeness in my heart.

I hope the last wound to heal, scar to fade and this play to stay forgotten.

No more movies black-and-white, no more endless chaos – I chose to move forward;

No more push and pull – this game is no longer on sale – in the end I am me.

…

Little princes, I hope you eventually understand

I won’t reach for you in the morning, I love the emptiness in my bed.

I don’t need your kisses, I don’t fear the dullness of the grey.

No echo of your begging remains in my head – I won’t ask to meet you.

I vowed to quit you and managed to keep my promise,

Even my skin is silent when I say your name out loud.

No shivers run though my spine when I recall your soft whisper.

I am no longer hungry for your shame and pain.

It was never love, never meant to be – illusion of a cozy fire more like hellish flames.

I am no longer drawn to you, I walked away happy in the coldness.

I won’t burn above your body, your touch lost its control.

There is no countdown, the danger is long gone -

Finally, I am whole again!!!

The Ruin I Chase

 

I still feel you next to me, your breath like a suffocating hug dances around my neck.

Your presence lingers in the air of my room, so smothering,

Your fingertips still burn the skin even though you are just a light mist.

I still cannot resist the urge to call you, to have you one more night.

You are my demise - the curse which keeps coming when I think I am healed.

Your addictive taste leaves me weak for days, I am going so insane

I can’t keep my mind occupied with clear thoughts.

I love how you mold me underneath you like how a potter shapes the clay to vase.

I am lost in your lips as if I am swimming in the ocean, sinking deeper.

Your voice is like a siren song to me, my resistance is pointless,

I have given up on me.

…

Let me have you one more time,

Poisoned from your scent I lose all the instincts for survival.

I love how primal I am with you, free from all the rules I try to keep,

I don’t like to stay in those lines, obedient, follower of the order.

When my demon meets your the real magic begins,

Two souls condemned, spellcasting in the darkness of the night,

Songs so loud, screams of promised evil seen as sinful yet so fulfilling those basic needs.

The knots of broken promises between us tied so strongly, entwined in one.

You and I together – a recipe for disaster, so dangerously playing the forbidden games.

No healthy boundaries between us, every rule to keep me safe is so easily unlearned.

You and I – synchronically creating art of passion and hurt,

Wounds so deep, impossible to cure, repeated scars, marks of stolen happiness.

We are treated as criminals – bold and unhinged in every aspect,

Our bodies laugh at the damage we inflict when we are together,

We cannot erase those moments; we are extremely toxic – normality is not for us.

Every time you pull me closer I feel the need to feel small and weak,

Like how the sugar dissolves into the hot tea – the smallest particles of me remain unchanged.

I am the milk to your coffee – making the bitter flavor bearable on the tip of your tongue.

You and I – so damaged yet together so complete,

I hope these traumas never heal – this play never gets too old.

Like a movie black-and-white, we are so classic – textbook emotionally unstable,

Push and pull, anxious avoidant – yet we manage to exist.

…

I still try to touch you in the morning even though you never stay the night

Looking for the sweetness of your mouth, I need this quick fix to survive another grey day,

Like a distant echo I still hear my words to have you one more time.

I keep promising myself I can quit you, yet my skin screams for you.

My body still shivers every time I remember your whisper in my ears.

I keep wonder if this hunger will ever be satisfied or it is just the thrill of you and I never be right for each other.

I keep being drawn to you like a moth into the flame knowing very well that

If I keep playing with your fire, I will burn down into ashes every minute,

Countdown so unpredictable, impossible to keep on track - 

Never to be whole again.