The Mask

 

How dare you to live behind all these masks?

Aren’t you tired of all these charades?

Aren’t you weakened by all the weight you pulled during the day

Pretending to function like a human, well put together,

Belonging to all the wrong rooms?

How do you live behind all these masks?

Don’t you feel lost after all the games you played?

Are you blind to the tears trying to burst?

Why don’t you feel hurt?

Or maybe your second skin is to pretend you have succeeded?

How do you choose which mask to wear?

When do you know you need to switch?

Aren’t you tired yet?

Doesn’t the pain weigh on you or is your numbness your greatest strength?

How much harm can you take before you fall down exhausted by the “would it be great if” in your life?

How do you live behind all these masks?

Is this who you truly are? – A chameleon, a performance well staged?

Aren’t you too damaged to recognize the deep wounds - unhealed?

Or don’t the scars matter to you anymore?

What if every mask is a knife in your soul, perverting you from being whole?

What if every show is just another lie you love to watch and hear, avoiding to face how broken you have become?

Why is this stage all you crave when the harm is bleeding you dry?

What have you done?

…

How dare you to live behind all these masks?

Almighty, perfect human in front of the broken mirror – which mask is the winner today?

Are you picking the mask of the strong one or maybe the unforgivable one?

Which reflection do you call real tonight?

Or maybe the cracks are showing who you are?

Nope, you are not tired yet, standing speechless, one hand on the wall,

A new mask in the other hand, ready to be worn.

Getting ready for the next place you can’t belong,

A life you can’t even call your own and still, you put the mask on – ready to fool yourself, to disappear behind another face.

The Scar I Chose

 

I no longer can stay with you – your taste is now bitter, no strawberry flavoured kisses,

I no longer can stay with you – your scent is now too musky,

I no longer can stay with you – your gaze is now a glacier, piercingly cold,

I no longer can stay with you – your touch makes my skin ache.

…

You started like a tale as old as time – a long - forgotten sweetness pouring into my mouth.

Every stolen minute flew like a blink of an eye,

Every spoken word felt like music, song so distant yet devoted, mine.

Your presence awoke feral thoughts as if I were a beast, finally ready to escape the chains,

Suppressed for ages, ready to taste the freedom you offered, ready to come out.

Every touch made me strong, ready to endure what you had in store for me,

Ready to explore, ready to be devoured, ready to evaporate.

Your raspy voice, so enchanting, made me dance under the full moon like an untamed wolf.

Your fingers tracing my spine defied gravity, I felt like a raven roaming freely through the sky.

…

Your lips are now foreign – rotten cranberries replaced the sweetness I learned to love.

Your scent still lingers in the outer corners of my room, still refusing to leave even after I replaced you with a bouquet of fresh lilac.

I no longer search for the empty eyes you gifted me – you are now just another stranger passing by my life.

My body still remembers your touch – I refuse to forget what it feels like not be held.

…

But I will bury your scent beneath fresh flowers every day,

I will change the music and introduce a new dance,

I will teach my body to stop craving the touch of your hands,

I will accept the lonely room and never let you reach the door.

…

I no longer can stay with you – I refuse to drink the wine dressed in sweetness, brewed only to poison me,

I no longer can stay with you – I refuse to wear your scent follow me,

I no longer can stay with you – I refuse to shiver in your winter,

I no longer can stay with you – your touch is now a scar I choose not to heal.

The Other Half

 

And there they stood – a spitting image of each other – same posture, same gestures, same facial expressions.

However, one of them was elegant – a custom-tailored dark olive pantsuit, a dark cashmere shirt peeking out underneath the jacket, high heels, expensive bag, a boring bob she called a hairstyle – simple yet sophisticated. Looking at her face – the marks of unhappiness painted all over her features – dark circles hidden by the light make-up, fine wrinkles crossing her forehead – traces of frowning too many times for too long. Poised, successful, stylish, yet visibly unhappy. The life had been sucked out of her; the eyes were dull and sparkles, her smile long forgotten.

Opposite her stood the other half – joyful and playful, dressed alternatively – boots, chains and harnesses. Leather skirt, transparent shirt, crop top – all black. Yet her hair was more colourful than the rainbow – her long lush hair hugged her shoulders. Her eyes twinkle like big stars on a dark sky, her smile – was spring in full bloom, her features fresh and carefree, alive. Her career had gone nowhere but her personal life was a bouquet of memories and emotions woven into every cell of her being.

Both stood still, looking at each other, curious and surprised. They had no idea the other one existed. And although there were tons of questions roaming in their minds eager to be asked, they remained silent – locked in a staring contest. A few moments later, they parted ways without a word – each of them continuing with their routines.

Curiosity was all they had. They were lone wolves – raised apart, survived alone with no place for each other in their lives. Two halves, yet somehow complete. Incompatible. Outsiders to each other.

They know now they are two, yet their lives cannot mesh – too different, too proud to bend, too busy to explore, no need to connect.

The Woman

 

The change bears the name of a woman tired of the dullness of her life

Gray hairs, rigid face lines.

The change lives inside the mind of a woman tired of the constant pushes that she is not enough –

A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother.

The change fuels the unhappy woman ready to change the course of her life –

To conquer the mountains that she has been taught were never meant to her.

The change is the flame that brightens the soul of a woman who has finally realized

That only she can help herself when justice is not served right.

…

She is the slow river patiently carving the rock, finding the impossible paths

When her mind is set, when she is finally stable, when she is calm.

She no longer cares if it would take several centuries or just a day,

She is determined to forge her own life.

She is the violent sea storm when her new-found voice is deliberately silenced,

Her quiet rage unleashed to reveal the complexity of her wit,

Unable to stay invisible when her winds need to spread through the vast land.

She is the rain that cools down a hot summer night

When her emotions are running wild, unable to stay hidden.

She is the fire that warms up the cold room

Where her whole existence is all the world needs.

She is the life that creates another – simply because she can;

She is the death that comes quietly when no one is around,

She is the darkness when her presence is treated like danger.

She is the beginning and she is the end – she is the ultimate creator and the impending doom.

She wears the name Change with a head held high – unpredictable and brave, gentle and vicious.

She chooses to be one or another, sometimes both at once,

She is the Yin-Yang master – balance hidden in a fragile body, constantly undermined.

…

The change is the flame burning fiercely in the soul of the woman who has understood.

The change fuels the woman who has ultimately chosen her path in life,

To conquer the mountains forbidden to her, never accepting the old teachings that she does not belong.

The change resides inside the mind of a woman who no longer bows down to the constant pushes that she is never enough –

A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother – forever herself.

The change bears the name of a woman forever altered by the dullness of the life forced upon her –

Gray hairs, rigid face lines.

Beneath the Dark Sky

 

Dawn chasing the darkness away, I half - awake

And I begin to feel all that hidden pain.

Countless questions: How am I supposed to start this day?

How am I supposed to shut the silence down

When the voices grow violent, quietness takes their place.

How am I supposed to get my tasks done

When all I know is the loneliness I live in.

…

I have no idea where to start and where I am going… CLUELESS…

I am circling in a well-known pattern; comfortably numb from all the races I have run.

And honestly, I don’t give a single fuck if I can make it or not.

All I know is that I hate today, just as I hated yesterday

And every day stretching back for decades…

I don’t have the patience, I am tired…

What I was doing before reaching this point… still a fog in the brain.

I remember some fragments of cruelty and then love,

Who broke me is still a mystery: a family, a friend or perhaps it was just me.

…

I am still stranded – the debate in me continues – I still loathe this day

My life during the night is what I crave – free, unchained, untainted, untamed.

How am I supposed to care when my pride bleeds beneath the borrowed smiles.

Oh, how I wish to be able to run wild, breath racing with the wind until they become one,

I desire to scream – uncontrolled, hungry to conquer my fears.

I dream of the day when I can reach that crossroad – to be able to fully be myself.

I yearn to stand on that nexus, finally able to see from a different perspective…

…

Unfortunately, I cannot be someone different – I am crushed under the weight of time

I am already damaged, countless hurricanes howling in my mind.

I cannot break the vows I made years ago to save myself – my knight in shining armor has always worn my face.

I am the princess and the villain at the same time – depending on what I need to tackle.

…

Don’t try to save me - I am the untraceable drug in the bloodstream,

The silent quake within my world,

I am the silent shadow, the slight darkness in the corner of the lit room.

Don’t try to find me – I am not meant to be found.

I love being an echo of the long-forgotten song,

I chose to be the night that outlived the dawn.

The Forger

 

In the midst of my refusal to pretend, I see myself as a shadow -

A poor reflection of another life.

Now tell me how I am supposed to move forward?

Weak, broken, abused, depressed, lost…

…

Every pain has its purpose – it forges us into something strong enough to face yet another storm.

Every time we got out broken from another battle - we train to win the raging war inside our minds.

Every torture we faced reshapes us into someone new – we are like rushing water, ready to flood what was left, ready to sink beneath it.

Every thought that brings us down should be destroyed like the memories that hold us back.

Every day we feel lost is a new opportunity to choose a different path, to uncover something new.

…

Yet every path divides before me, even though I thought that I had figured it out.

Yet every question still remains unanswered.

I am tired of asking.

Yet every step I take feels heavy, a deep echo following behind me no matter how quietly I try to walk.

Yet every dawn arrives so quickly.

I barely survived yet another night.

…

Yet here I stand – asking. Tell me honestly.

When does my shadow forget the shape it once followed?

When does my scar become proof that this deep wound was never meant to heal?

When does the silence around me stop feeling empty and start being my only company?

Maybe tomorrow holds the key to my survival.

Or maybe tomorrow is just another name for my darkness.

Maybe my desire to heal is the only story I still tell myself.

Maybe I am tired of seeking that door to liberation, just another fairy tale I hopelessly believe in.

Maybe the muffled echoes in my mind have always been my own voice - so uncertain.

Maybe I will keep walking until even my shadow gives up on me.

Betrayal doesn’t hurt me anymore.

Or maybe…

This is where the words abandon me.

Comfortable with Loneliness

 

When did you last look at the bright moon hugged by the dim light?

When was the last time you closed the door without feeling any regret?

When was the last time you lent a hand to help someone in trouble?

When was the last time you admired the moon without feeling sad?

When was the last time you sat and reflected on every mistake you had made?

When was the last time you looked into the eyes of your loved one

And asked if everything is okay?

When was the last time you actually felt anything?

…

I see you thinking hard before you answer, wondering when the last time was that you felt like a living being.

I see you barely holding your pose, trying to remember when you last cried over all the important fuck – ups.

Are you still trying to play the game of being blameless, truly guilt-free?

Or maybe your heart has grown used to being cold… Just tell me.

…

When did you last look at the bright moon hugged by the dim light?

When was the last time you sat drawn in the depth of your comfortable loneliness?

When was the last time you enjoyed your life just as it was?

When was the last time you were filled with glee without feeling shame?

Have you forgotten what a pure emotion is?

Have you forgotten what delight tastes like?

…

Maybe there is nothing worth remembering,

Maybe every question is another locked door,

Maybe every piece you buried should stay where it is.

Maybe you refuse to remember because you have given up.

…

And now that the bright moon rests within the dim light again,

You no longer ask where you have been or what you have forgotten.

Maybe this calm night is for me to finally understand that you are no longer my friend,

Maybe I need to realize that you are now a stranger wearing the face of someone I once cherished,

Someone I no longer know…

Tame Me

 

Tame me – chain me, I don’t want to run in the wild,

Tame me – make me obedient, conquer me like a piece of land.

This wilderness is not the place to live,

The harsh climate makes me lose myself, undone and yet unchained.

Tame me – teach me how to kneel obediently, no questions asked.

Help me weave my boundaries with yours,

Show me how to make you my home.

I need a safe haven as I am tired of surviving through the storms, frozen and drowned,

I am tired of sleeping beneath the vast sky;

I need something stable and secure.

As sweet as freedom tastes, bitterness finds its way down my throat.

My kingdom is bright, yet I rule by instinct and hunger.

I keep living in cycles long after the healing is done,

I still find the painful path to take; I still run wild like a scared animal.

Tame me – show me how to belong,

Show me which bones are worth saving, tear down the rooms I no longer live in.

The beast in me is exhausted, never in peace, always preparing for the next war.

Tame me, but first understand every inch of me,

The blizzards and hurricanes still live underneath porcelain skin.

My heart is a dead forest – regrets rooted deep within its loam.

The wolves are not howling outside – their voices live inside my mind.

…

Tame me – you like broken things.

Hold my body in your hands, show me what tenderness feels like.

Tame me – tell me where to sit and where to stay – I will try to obey.

Make me smaller, train me to be easier to keep.

I am tired of being fearless and wounded, too difficult to protect.

Tame me – I have learned that ownership equals certainty,

At least the cages keep the winds away.

…

Conquer me as though I were a country – I let you rename my rivers.

Erase the language I speak.

Draw borders through my body – call it whatever you want.

Take what you need from the soil, leave the marks.

Build monuments where the damage is too great,

Teach me how to celebrate what was taken.

Tame me – I will let history remember your name.

Tame me – I have given you permission to obliterate me,

So my existence survives only in the old maps.

Tame me…

The Aftertaste of You

 

You are asking too much of me, my sweet desire,

I whisper your name through my restless nights

Hoping to summon you at least one more time.

I get this was supposed to be just a moment – wishful thinking on my part,

Yet somehow you branded me for life

And I cannot move on – you are all I want.

Your touch is still what I feel when I try to close my eyes,

Every part of me screams for you and keeps searching.

I still don’t realize how you could leave after what we had,

I am still trapped inside this fantasy, under the moonlight,

Exactly where you left me.

I still try to understand how you walked away as if it was nothing,

Like a hungry animal once it is done with its prey.

But unknowingly you unlocked something dangerous in me,

Your beautiful lies are the truths I am currently living in.

You held me like a shadow – ruining my calm

Forcing me to chase the darkness until I find you.

You showed me you were never meant to stay

Yet I am seeking you, addicted to poison you gave with a smile.

You left me striving for more even if it is my undoing.

…

You came like thick fog in a rainy day – impossible to escape,

The green glow from our glasses was the only light while you whispered ‘You are mine’.

The strongest taste I have ever known, my thoughts vanished, lost in your softness,

When my world melted under the kiss of your icy mouth.

Your touch rewired my brain, your heart made mine lose its rhythm,

This was the moment I finally felt complete.

Your cherry-flavoured dream pushed into obsession I have never known before,

Maybe I had always wanted someone like you to shake me up,

To mess me up as if I was broken record, an old forgotten song.

Your destruction is still present, crawling through my veins,

Like the chemicals refusing to leave my blood.

…

Don’t tell to stop, I simply cannot resist the urge you left in me

I will keep looking for fragments of you on every street, at every corner.

Even the coldest rain cannot wash away the sickness living in my thoughts.

I will keep choosing the beautiful lie over the cruel reality.

My hands keep reaching for you in the daze of my sleeplessness,

Then I feel the emptiness within crushing what is left of me.

You were made to destroy my peace during that night,

Then you disappear before I find the clarity I needed to stop this madness.

But I am insane, I keep creating version of us after that night,

Fantasies that keep functioning while my sanity is slipping away.

Your echo follows me everywhere I go now,

Like a lucid dream turning slowly into a dangerous game

A blur between please and destruction, I am too intoxicated to escape.

And maybe someday I will finally be ready to accept

That you never stayed because all you truly wanted was one night of fun.

Until then I will keep annihilating myself in search of a reason you never planned to give.

Cherry-Flavoured Dream

 

Don’t try to remember my name,

You don’t need it, let me be just a flicker of light,

A thing you did in a moment of desire.

I am not your perfect half – I am a second of free will,

Then I disappear like I have a million times before.

I am not bound to anyone – I am just a minute of you.

I love how casual you can go – free of worries,

I am just a flash of pleasure shared underneath the moonlight,

Don’t push it any further, stop looking.

I am already gone to the next adventure I was to take.

I know the sweetness that took over you

But I am no angel, I am the devil who takes all.

I never speak a word of truth, just what you need to get you there.

I am like a shadow – I chase and then I leave.

I am no Juliette; I don’t seek my Romeo.

I drink from the passion shared and then I disappear.

These feelings are never meant for me.

…

I come like smoke – transparent like a ghost, yet I materialize,

I am like a green drink, a reflection of the silver light above us.

You can taste me best when your mind goes numb,

When you feel the world melting slowly beneath my freezing tongue.

I am the touch that makes your heart skip a beat,

The dizziness of your sin is pulling you deeper into my fantasy,

The cherry-flavoured danger makes you unstable, yet I let you in.

This fever dream is what you craved the most unconsciously.

I never really touched your soul, you fell into the trap – chemicals running wildly.

…

Don’t try to find me, I vanish with the moon – quietly,

I was never for you to hold and cherish – I am the sickness you need to cure.

I fade away like a white lie told to hide the painful reality,

My scent is washed away from your skin like the pouring rain in the summer heat.

You might keep searching for me in a crowd of strangers,

You might keep hearing my careless laughter.

But I never belonged to the regular places you keep visiting,

I was made to visit you, ruin your peace for a night –

Never to return for a second round.

Devotion is not my game; I don’t want to be found.

Yet my echo might still return to your ears when I am not around.

Think of me as if I were a lucid dream that you almost mistook for reality,

A vivid blur between pleasure and pain - something too good to be real.

And when you wake one day hugging my shadow, fingers gently tracing your skin

You will finally know that I disappeared because I really wanted to.

The Habit

 

The bad habit is back, knocking on the door at 1 am,

Half awakened, half asleep, I gently let it in.

Movements trained to perfection,

Mask is on, time to perform.

Another empty train of thoughts,

Paralyzed, fight-or-flight mode on.

Insecurities hidden in that box

Now spread carefully on the cold floor.

Eyes dry, mouth shut – Hello darling, I am back.

...

Silent and exhausted, I am losing my stand,

Sunken deep into that false retreat of something well known.

My mistakes chasing me, reminding me of weaknesses

I thought I had successfully overcome.

Feeling pressured, no resistance left in me

Should I let myself be lost again

Or try to fight like the fighter I know I am.

Questions running wild in the darkest hours,

I feel I am fading like I’ve done so many times before.

Smile on, deceiving everyone – my finest act,

On the inside dying, trying to scream…

…

At my weakest, I still manage to resist,

My bad habit, my sweetest torture I cannot forgo,

Like my second nature, I slip up easily.

Like an old friend, I keep you close, unable to release

As if I will be empty once I let it out for good.

I am not misunderstood; I inflict the damage consciously.

I have carried it for so long, my hidden secret

My greatest pain, yet the pleasure I crave the most.

My mind is fucked up; I am not willing to stop.

The bad habit makes me feel alive, still capable of feeling,

Living in denial that the cycle stopped.

Maybe this is what still keeps me sane?

Some wounds are never meant to heal but to stay dormant,

Dressed in guilt and shame, yet I am unable to pretend

That I am fine and happy every day.

I cannot let go of what I know best even test after test,

I am not weak; I am just comfortable with this tendency,

Even driven to the extreme, I still give in.

…

Awake in the morning, the evidence is washed away,

Tiny fragments of its scent left on my skin to remind me of what I have done during the night.

I know this cycle will one day leave me hollow,

Yet I still hold it dear as if it is a sacred thing to me.

I cannot heal; who will I be without it?

I am nothing without the hunger I have learnt to feed,

So I keep repeating the process I perfected alone in that room,

Till the day it finally takes the last piece of me.