Display of Pain

 

Let’s begin from where we ended it the last time,

Carefully forgotten our wounds and scars.

Let’s begin from where we ended it the last time,

Where there is no light, just endless darkness,

Where it poisons the soul, enhances the loneliness and kills the hope.

Let’s begin from where we ended it the last time,

Where everything ends and new beginning doesn’t exist.

….

The white reflection in the mirror blinds the eyes

And somehow bashful – reluctantly

The Blindness “clothes" us gently.

How does it look like the invisible image?

How does the suffering feels like? – Grey in color.

…

 Let’s begin from where we ended it the last time,

Carefully forgotten our wounds and scars.

We cover them with multiple masks and make-up,

We pretend we are on stage performing a world class act

And when the play is over, we realize how cruel we have become.

Where are we going to end up living in an endless denial

Of the monsters we have turned into

– a horror movie on the small screen?

…

And we are trapped in the old webs of delusion,

Refusing to admit the mistakes, we keep committing sins towards ourselves.

And we keep dismissing the chaos of our wrong doings,

As if we don’t exist in flesh and blood, as if we are an old painting

Hanging on the walls of these ancient castles

– The Gallery of Self-inflicted Pain!

Ghost from the Eternity

 

The dawn is gone leaving me with numerous thoughts.

Where should I start my new day in the search of a new beginning?

How to keep the calmness of the silence around me

When all I want is to scream drowned in fear?

How to conquer my fears when the sadness has become my best friend?

How to start a new, I have no idea, I am circling in the endless cycle

Of my own insecurities and unrest?

I don’t care how to survive; this is not my day nor the one after.

 …

I do remember what I have done to you, but I do remember your faults too,

However, the trails of your punishment are getting weaker, 

I am still under the influence of your charm.

How should I start my day – I am still lost in the memories.

The night is still here – full blown darkness, no starry sky.

I don’t care how to start this new day if my pride will be torn apart

By the shadows of an old life, even though I feel it as world from a far.

…

I really want to start my day running in the lush green grass,

To scream freely, to scream and to stop on the crossroad of the days passed

So that I can be able to see the wrong turn I made though someone else’s eyes.

But I can’t to pretend to be different – I am the dessert, harsh climate, cold nights,

The same feeling of nothingness that pushes me to feel like a guest,

Just visiting my core and soul – crushed, useless, as if my mind belongs to the emptiness

Of the dark shadows that roam my damaged consciousness.

…

I won’s give up on myself, no more, never again,

Yes, I am just like that – forgetful of my misfortune,

I am trying to leave my mark.

Dear darkness, don’t try to look for me, I am not your sanctuary.

I used to be the bright star of the night’s sky until you engulfed me.

Now I am transparent shadow – Ghost from the Eternity.

Silence!!!

 

-       Shut up!!!!

I didn’t realize when he shouted at me with the voice of a deadly wounded animal – so piercing, so exhausted, so scared. I was so used to his presence at this point so this scream made my whole body shiver. And I looked at him, but his neck was bent like an elegant black swan refusing to face his other half. What was he trying to hide? Why did he just scream and turn his head towards the wall. Was it so hard to cry in front of me and my egoistic nature, to stomp his foot and make me tremble like he did in the beginning?

But how does it feel to live with a selfish, narcissistic type of woman who never gives a single second of attention to anyone else, even her partner? How difficult is it to swallow one bitter moment after another, to fight for a lost cause and still find the strength to stand up? How gut wrenching is the insult after another selfish act without even thinking about the person next to you?

Maybe he couldn’t handle it. However, why did he look at me as a punishment for his long forgotten sins? Why did he keep staying with me after every hit I make? Is it true that the painful love teaches patience? Why did he keep saying that I am a natural disaster in a woman’s flesh? Or maybe the love is this tendency of making yourself invisible, losing your unique character so that you can blend in someone’s else life and molds you to become someone you are not – to keep you doing things you don’t like or you have never intended to in first place?

-        Shut up!!!

Again, his desperate groan crept behind me like a thief creeping invisible through the vail of the endless darkness. “I tried, I tried” – that's what I whispered, and with that whisper I deliberately hid my own never-ending disappointment from myself. 

So is this the ugly glorification of the suffering when people love each other but are not compatible? Do we really turn into those constantly bickering animals after the passion is no longer there? Do we really strive to become pitiful - like prisoners in a cozy cage and chained with invisible chains to keep feeding the misery and the chaos we have created? Do we really aim for this? Where is the happiness? Since when does the torment exalt us and make us heroes even though we keep living in our own emotional mud and shame? Where is the spark which we keep as a North Star in achieving our perfection? Should we forget about what our souls desire in order to live in boring harmony with those around us and slowly turning it into inner anarchy?

-       I want you to shut the fuck up!!!

After this last shriek he stood up and left. Finally!

Now only the silence speaks to me, only She understands our inner struggles – slaves of our own ambitions, successes and failures. Till this day I can’t figure out what drove him so insane and pushed him to abyss called emotional breakdown and aggression. I didn’t understand his answers anymore. And he has never come back. And I chose to remain silent and embrace the uneventful end of a doomed relationship – something I have never done before and I will never do again.

---

Some time has passed, the storm is long gone. The rotten memory of poisonous love and the attachment feelings are no longer present. The narcissistic traits that I have been told to possess never reappeared most probably because I don’t have them in my character. Nowadays, I think of him as if he is chimera which can’t bring me to neither smile nor cry.

-      Shut the fuck up! – I shouted in pain I have never felt before… And even today, I still don’t know why. 

Frostbitten

 

If you can’t fall in love with the coldness of the northern barren land,

Don’t ever dream of finding me – I am a frostbite.

I won’t be gentle like the warm summer land.

I am an angry blizzard, nothing can stop me,

I am millions of snowflakes – beautiful yet dangerously frigid.

If you go out in the middle of this storm,

You won’t stop shivering, it’s an iced place,

Your breath is stopping, your heartbeat’s getting slow.

…

There are sunny days and rainy days but they aren’t mine.

If you are used to the warmness of the spring or summer

This squall of mine is not your safe space.

Let’s not forget the thunderstorms of my soft mouth,

They are as scary as those outside when the sky is dark

And the only light you see is the lightning striking on the same place.

…

If you can’t fall in love with the coldness of the northern barren land,

Never show your face before me, you are not worthy

Of the complexity of such harsh ground.

Run, my gentle boy, run…

There isn’t any warmth left from the summer sun,

It is a frozen place long forgotten, extremely crude.

I am not a coast for lost weaklings,

Longing for a new beginnings and to find a new hope.

I am not the last stop for the cowards,

Aiming to be the new heroes written in those boring glorious songs.

I am the Monster who slays them and then leave them to freeze alone!

The Oldest Vow - Destruction

 

Tear me down like an old piece of clothing. I only feel alive when the pain is unbearing and rough. I love the way it hurts every part of mind and body. Make me suffer so deeply and when I gather all of me to feel different, new unfamiliar version of old self. What is coming after I reach the deepest end of losing all I am? I have never been there – the last straw, my breaking point. I want to experience this situation when my soul is only dust and ashes. Keep torturing me, this is my most sacred wish, don’t stop in the middle of the job – serve me right.

Why have you become so silent, so suddenly? Is there something wrong I have said? Is it so hard to be executioner I have been looking for? Why stopping now – it is almost done. Should I beg you every time a doubtful thought crosses your mind? You have said you can do it, you promised. Why now? Why?

Why are you bending your head as if it is a heavy basket which you need to carry for ages? Why are you so distant out of the blue? Is it my wording or the inability to understand that sometimes you need to kill what makes you YOU and then start to rebuild? Aren’t we the forgers of our own path, seeking creatives ways to destroy our weakness in order to gain our inner power? What is wrong; what have I done?

Look at me, tell me what I hate to hear; share your disdain towards my wishes. Tell me what monster I have become. Believe me, I can understand the judgement in your statements. I have been so in touch with what other want from me but I have failed to grasp what I really need, so please destroy me. Obliterate the light I have been carrying all my life and throw me into the deepest darkness so I can be reborn.

Do you want to know how much we are alike? The unwavering desire to fix those around you, the determination to follow what make you feel happy, the unstoppable willingness to change if something you perceive is wrong. But hear me out, I am tired, all these senses and thoughts are not serving my purpose. Just finish the job I gave you, just one last time and afterwards we are done.

Tear my soul down, burn my feelings like a witch at the stake – hear my screams. Annihilate the last drop of goodness in my heart and then you are free to go. Don’t dare to give me even a sliver of the kindness you possess; this is not what I am hoping for.

….

Like a phoenix, I am everything and nothing; old and new at the same time. You and I – old acquaintances bound by unbreakable vows, we keep destroying each other so that we grow and harvest our own potential. Unfortunately, after every kill one of us getting weaker until the inner strength is achieved. Like the sun and the moon, we are never in sync – one is pushing back and the other is playing God. I am sorry my old friend, I lied again. You are going to keep facing me until you realize that your greatest demise is to feel pity when you need to be cold-hearted if you really want to survive.