Sweet Bitterness

 

Quiet steps in the middle of the night echoes from the opposite side of the hall;

They keep getting louder and louder, shy door knock.

His entrance filled the room with his presence,

Calm and gentle whisper waking me from my deep sleep.

I see him sitting on the rocking chair, air filled with the heavy smell of cigarettes,

The sweetness of his whiskey breath is filling me with fire from within.

One sharp look; I am stunned and then he breaks the silence asking all forbidden questions.

Shall we begin?

…

What do I want???

 – Kiss me and then continue your life as it is.

What do I breathe for?

– For you, obviously!

Why do you want me just now?

Haven’t you had enough of me all those years?

After all these years spent in your cold days and fiery nights

I am not of importance to you.

You call me all those names as if I am not a real man.

Am I an imagination born from convenient desires? – Yes?!

Why do you keep it so quiet when I am looking straight to you?

Are you ashamed of what we did in the darkness of the night?

Why do you keep wasting my time as if my body is all you need?

Why do you keep confuse me?

I am not a toy from your doll collection.

Do you still hate me for all the untold feelings, bottled up in misery?

Wasteland…

Can you even see me? – Yes or no, answer me?

Why do you call yourself my savior?

You still put me down, beat me like a dog.

What is the meaning of your love?

Get me out of your lethal embrace.

Why do you call yourself my healer when the wound still bleeds fresh?

…

What do I want???

 – Kiss me…

And when you are done with your needs forget about me -

My sweet little regret, the death of my hopes and my sweet agony.

I beg one last time - stop this torture, you are the end of everything I hold dear to me!

Choices

 

Broken pieces, unfinished puzzles,

Too many mind games, dangerous pathways,

Countless unknowns…

Which is the right path to take?

Confusion overload, sensory deprivation,

Poisonous chemicals, dizziness to the extreme…

…

In this day and age when being any type of sober is insane,

Simply take the road to madness - the ultimate success.

Vision crystal clear, equipped with tears,

Removing the irritating sands in agony.

We need to see all the lies told with body language.

Sweet deafness overthroned with the morbid sound of truth

The ugliness of the real conversations are overtaking the collective consciousness.

My point is proven – we are intoxicated with false communication

Unable to define the toxic motivation from the words of constant overwork:

- Improve your posture, language and even gaze....

We are unhealthy driven to exhaustion from these ads of "healthy balance"

When the concrete walls of our mind prisons are crushing the sparks of the true self-awakening.

…

We are modern slaves of unlimited consumption of false reality

Where we all demand to be perceived as overachievers,

When actually we are slither into the communal mud of ill ambitions

Of conquering whatever we are told to 

- Mazes and dimensions of pretend tangibility.

…

Broken pieces, unfinished puzzles,

Too many mind games, dangerous pathways,

Countless unknowns…

Voiceless songs, empty words,

New age - mindless poetry.

…

Destroyed by low self-esteem and toxic self-proclaimed leaders

We are marching to our own undoing collectively,

Tied up on cheap leashes we are selling ourselves into the shop of “Who is better than the rest?”;

And like a ragdolls haunted by an innocent entity we try to endure the unavoidable purchase.

We are all short-sighted, comforted of the dream of having special place

When in actuality unbeknownst to us, we hold the key of our own prosperity.

…

Broken pieces, unfinished puzzles,

Too many mind games, dangerous pathways,

Countless unknowns…

And yet the lesson not learned -

Let me sell another piece of me!

Midnight Cravings

 

Same old story, endlessly repeating predicament...

Every night I crave you like a dangerous drug,

I am obsessed with the deepness of your voice.

I have embedded the bitter-sweet scent of you into my soft pillow,

I have locked the emotions of us away, let me have a taste of your poisonous body.

The burning sensation of your touch drives me insane, I am no longer in control.

I am weak like a junkie getting its fix, but don’t overstay -  my cravings have no end.

You are nothing more than a cheap dose of pleasure- dealer of night time gratification;

You are not invited for a night stay, you have two hours,

Then I expect you to walk away of this room filled with sinner’s fragrance - my ultimate descent.

…

Don’t ask me if I am afraid to fall victim into the lover’s romance – you are nothing but a breathing toy.

Don’t ask me if I am afraid you might disappoint me if I allow your presence longer than a day – don’t get too cocky – you are just a man for sin not a company for life.

Don’t ask me if I am going to regret the coldness my actions – my dear doll for pleasure, I treat you like you have no soul, less the human.

You have one task at hand, get the job done and leave me alone.

…

Another night full of cravings, another quick dose of minimal contentedness.

I can see the judgement in your eyes and posture.

I am a heartless monster, yet I have a beautiful disguise.

Another night full of cravings, another hour spent in oblivion,

Don’t come again, not even an inch closer – you’re my last chance for salvation 

And yet my possible upcoming damnation....

I am a dealer of moments, nothing permanent

And if you insist on staying you will lose the privileges of getting all the special treats.

I am an innocent monstrosity hidden in a plain side,

I have my own agenda and it's called "I do whatever I want"!!!

Last Goodbye

 

I am finally snuggled in the dark corner of my old room

Filled with sadness, emptiness and anger over my loss.

I don’t like how powerless I feel

Drained in tears, I won’t be able to see you again.

The inevitable void consumes my whole spirit

And in desperation I scream – Please forgive me!

Forgive me for all the days I did not show up when I you needed me,

Forgive me for all the times I came by for shorter period than an hour,

Please forgive foolishness of the young me taking all time for granted!!!

And now when you are no longer here, I can’t stop the guilt

For missing all the birthdays just because – countless excuses,

For not calling more often just because, another missed moment.

…

I have not had the power to shed my tears when I had to,

You taught me how a strong woman should carry herself.

I have not had the courage to raise a toast for you,

My funny bones were cut off my personality.

Please forgive my weakness even now,

When I cannot tell another joke – my inspiration is gone without you.

I know you hated these long goodbyes, you loathed the unnecessary sadness.

I will miss the words of your encouragement, how capable I am in your eyes

And with the look of a naughty child to slip a little dark-humored remark.

Forgive me grandpa, I have failed you for one last time,

When I lost my composure when the bells tossed to remember your life,

I was not able to pick up the pieces, that your absence was giving us.

In your memory I am writing this ode for a life of a good man – caring and loving, yet strict and just,

I am a mare reflection of your grand essence and I vow to uphold the standards installed by you in me.

This is my first bow in front of your bohemian aura which filled my life with joy,

My second bow is for the unweaving support you gave me, even though my thoughts were far too distant for you to understand and yet you never questioned me.

My third and final bow is for your strong persona, finding all the good when the life looks like it will crumble under the pressure of our lives weight.

Thank you for being such an inspiration for a generation you couldn’t figure out.

My last request is to look upon me, taking care of my poor soul,

And when the life gets even harder don’t be shy (I know you won’t)

Just whisper our inside joke in my ear and I will find the strength for fight and grow.

Goodbye, my dear grandpa, may your soul rest in eternal peace

And if we get another lifetime, please be my grandparent or any other of my immediate family.

Maniac In Pain

 

I am wandering alone in the darkness yet again,

Drunk again from the excruciating pain and loneliness,

Drunk from the loss of long forgotten dream.

…

I was longing to be someone else’s support system,

I was longing to be some else’s focal point,

I was longing to be some else’s beautiful dawn,

I was longing to be some else’s solace,

I was longing to be some else’s sunny day!

…

However, the dawn is not ready to grace me with its presence yet,

The Sun set into my self-induced desperation.

And the moon screamed in front of my poor judgement.

She brought the tide of tears, engulfed my bright thoughts

As if my mind is covered with low cliffs, no coasts;

The waves suffocated my desires!

I bid farewell to my impossible fantasies.

…

I am wandering alone in the darkness yet again,

Drunk from the misery of my impaired instincts.

I barely can see the furious fighter inside me –

I am tired and alone.

I am trying to fight it, no partner to correct my moves,

The ring of the starless night is only mine.

I am absent-minded even though my dreams 

Where to be someone else’s biggest supporter, 

The cheerleader on the bench of happiness.

I don’t long anymore to be drawn in the pool

Of somebody’s soft and cheerful laughter.

…

I am wandering alone in the darkness yet again,

Drunk beyond my memory,

Please don’t make me explain how hard is to keep me afloat

Of the big hole full of disdain.

The pains of the past mistakes no longer serve me,

They keep me dead inside, unmotivated to solve what troubles me today,

They killed what was left from me, faded image of the days of easiness.

My drunken soul buried the flames of life under the mud of self-loath,

It keeps me in this intoxicated state not to lose control, detained.

No more sparkles, no more blue sky,

What I am hungry for is the torment;

I feel the hunger for hatred and shame,

I am infected with a new type of virus,

More dangerous than cancer,

Spreading like a lake of wildfire

Until I am burnt in disgrace –

No memories – NEW FACE!