Deranged

 

Another day is coming after the sorrow goes away

And the silence takes its place.

Then the inner voice starts whispering insanely

While the soul aches from the torture

Inflicted by oneself's never forgetting brain.

…

Take those memories with you,

I don’t need them anymore.

You took what was mine – human-clad monster

You told me I deserved it the moment I came closer, when the guard was down…

The scars on my body healed in time, empty gaze replaced the spark.

The stars were falling as if my tears want their release – parallel reality.

Am I the victim or the one bringing the doom on myself?

…

My solitude is the prison I forged myself.

I don’t care I’m alone just shatter my soul again

Like you did time and time afresh.

Smash my body on the iron desk,

Let the bruises speak instead of me  - story of cruelty dressed like innocence.

Don’t try to act a fool with kisses and sweet talking,

When violence is invited in the bedroom it is no longer love - monstrosity on display.

…

Hate? It only creates more hate.

You don’t deserve the emotional recognition.

Let the skeletons in my wardrobe stay hidden. 

Here are you staying in front of my door

Waiting for one more invitation to wreak mayhem

In remembrance of the sweet past we once shared.

With no regard to the scars you left me with,

As you call them marks of unhinged pleasure.

You are definitely mentally deranged,

Let me show you how unstable I can get.

…

Now you know how strong I have become,

I knew my acts towards you were wrong…

I’m still the same gentle lady until I switch.

I am sorry I have not warned you about my inner beast,

Enjoy the consequences under the ground,

Chained in my basement six feet deep.

The House of Midnight Craving

 

I keep hearing “Slow it down, take the moment in. Why do you rush it?”

The reason is so simple – I live in my time constrain, a day perfectly planned:

-        - 8 hours dedicated to work, 8 hours of sleep, the rest is dedicated to pleasure and pain.

16 of those hours are boring, masked in the day-to-day grown up bullshit – nothing thrilling, all is plain.

The other 8 is when I feel alive - breaking boundaries, living on the edge.

…

I keep hearing the confessions of broken couples sitting on my couch

How monotonous their life has become.

Unwilling to open their hidden fantasies, face down, shaken by shame.

Even though now everything is on display – they keep hiding behind the good people cover.

And yet in the cloak of the night I keep seeing their man in my house of Midnight Cravings

Indulging in the forbidden satisfaction of SM game.

Dominating in the basic life they pine for submission when no one is around.

So they knock on my door begging for domination to empty their mind.

Another group of men I have are those who crave domination

Oppressed by their controlling wives, asking me to use safe words

Crying to be the one on charge.

They come more often engulfed in pointless stress,

Don’t worry my darlings – I am here to help.

My favourite group is those of fuck boys – the cocky ones

Who think their magic is so infamous,

they keep telling me how all the women dream about them in their bed.

Oh my, they are the worst – imagine teaching first grader how to read and write

With all the confidence gifted from those around.

…

I love to break them all, play with their bodies and minds,

In my house of Midnight Craving writing their stories on my bed.

Some days the pain is enormous, inflicted by the controlled bastards;

Some days the pleasure is insane, walking on the backs of the arrogant work stars,

Some days the laughter is so uncontrolled, I am sorry fuck boys, you are the worst.

This is why I love my job – during the day I am fixing all the damage I have caused you

When you visited the hidden pleasure crib held by me undercover.

…

I keep hearing “Slow it down, take the moment in. Why do you rush it?”

The reason is so simple – I live in my time constrain until I break them all;

Until we are all destroyed in pleasure and in pain.

Sinful Beggar

 

Come to me tonight,

Don’t tell me you are too busy.

I will wait for you like I do every other night;

I know I am your dirty little secret.

Come to me tonight,

Kiss me the way you did it last time.

Hold me in your hands,

Melt me like an ice,

Mold me like clay;

Please be kind, don’t torture me.

Come to me tonight,

I promise I’ll be the angel you want,

No game, no shame

Be my pleasure, be my pain.

I promise I am on my best behavior,

I won’t call you after you are done.

Don’t stay in my dreams anymore,

I promise I won’t regret it!

Let’s sin in the veil of the darkness like we did 2 days ago…

Come to me tonight,

Punish me like I did 2 weeks before,

Let’s explore our filthy sides – we need fun.

Stop hiding into the blackness of your cozy home,

Come to me, please, don’t run…

I promise, I won’t love you a day longer,

I can sense it is coming to an end.

We can’t do it a night or two more,

It’s time for our lustful goodbye

Be mine for last time and then leave me,

Don’t turn your head back,

Just come close for one last play on the stage of the shameful affairs

Kiss me, poison me, torture me as if I am your curse to the point of no return.

Do it for last time, I promise I’ll be kind

And then leave my room and pay me no mind.

Untold

 

Millions questions left unasked,

Millions decisions left unmade.

Clouds of confusion linger on the vast sky

Waiting for the storm of doubt to rumble;

Rains of regret are pouring, floods of what ifs.

…

In this faithful day I made the last decision,

I wanted this chapter closed.

I expected the rejection, my last proof

That my place was never there.

I wanted this final confirmation before I say my last goodbye

To the materialized reality of childish dream – fully realized brutality.

…

I got my answer, I cannot be surprised from simple-minded people;

The game of chess is not so predictable, lack of thrill.

Let me pack my stuff and leave the fundaments of what I have started to build,

This city is of no use to me – the architects are blind;

The concepts of the building scrapped, changes in plans again.

Those foundations will slowly turn into ruins of make believe

That you are the translator of those with great vision

But failing to understand the complexity of each piece;

It is never too uncomplicated – overlooked complexity.

…

The chapter closed, dead silences awaits me at the gates of the city;

Next time I will make the town of my dreams

Even if the road is thorny and the journey screams to me “Leave it!”.

Next castle will be what I exactly want it to be – a place of endless joy

And a fortress fortified with my own blood, loneliness and self-inflicted agony

- The Builder of my own Tangibility!

Sweet Bitterness

 

Quiet steps in the middle of the night echoes from the opposite side of the hall;

They keep getting louder and louder, shy door knock.

His entrance filled the room with his presence,

Calm and gentle whisper waking me from my deep sleep.

I see him sitting on the rocking chair, air filled with the heavy smell of cigarettes,

The sweetness of his whiskey breath is filling me with fire from within.

One sharp look; I am stunned and then he breaks the silence asking all forbidden questions.

Shall we begin?

…

What do I want???

 – Kiss me and then continue your life as it is.

What do I breathe for?

– For you, obviously!

Why do you want me just now?

Haven’t you had enough of me all those years?

After all these years spent in your cold days and fiery nights

I am not of importance to you.

You call me all those names as if I am not a real man.

Am I an imagination born from convenient desires? – Yes?!

Why do you keep it so quiet when I am looking straight to you?

Are you ashamed of what we did in the darkness of the night?

Why do you keep wasting my time as if my body is all you need?

Why do you keep confuse me?

I am not a toy from your doll collection.

Do you still hate me for all the untold feelings, bottled up in misery?

Wasteland…

Can you even see me? – Yes or no, answer me?

Why do you call yourself my savior?

You still put me down, beat me like a dog.

What is the meaning of your love?

Get me out of your lethal embrace.

Why do you call yourself my healer when the wound still bleeds fresh?

…

What do I want???

 – Kiss me…

And when you are done with your needs forget about me -

My sweet little regret, the death of my hopes and my sweet agony.

I beg one last time - stop this torture, you are the end of everything I hold dear to me!