Choices

 

Broken pieces, unfinished puzzles,

Too many mind games, dangerous pathways,

Countless unknowns…

Which is the right path to take?

Confusion overload, sensory deprivation,

Poisonous chemicals, dizziness to the extreme…

…

In this day and age when being any type of sober is insane,

Simply take the road to madness - the ultimate success.

Vision crystal clear, equipped with tears,

Removing the irritating sands in agony.

We need to see all the lies told with body language.

Sweet deafness overthroned with the morbid sound of truth

The ugliness of the real conversations are overtaking the collective consciousness.

My point is proven – we are intoxicated with false communication

Unable to define the toxic motivation from the words of constant overwork:

- Improve your posture, language and even gaze....

We are unhealthy driven to exhaustion from these ads of "healthy balance"

When the concrete walls of our mind prisons are crushing the sparks of the true self-awakening.

…

We are modern slaves of unlimited consumption of false reality

Where we all demand to be perceived as overachievers,

When actually we are slither into the communal mud of ill ambitions

Of conquering whatever we are told to 

- Mazes and dimensions of pretend tangibility.

…

Broken pieces, unfinished puzzles,

Too many mind games, dangerous pathways,

Countless unknowns…

Voiceless songs, empty words,

New age - mindless poetry.

…

Destroyed by low self-esteem and toxic self-proclaimed leaders

We are marching to our own undoing collectively,

Tied up on cheap leashes we are selling ourselves into the shop of “Who is better than the rest?”;

And like a ragdolls haunted by an innocent entity we try to endure the unavoidable purchase.

We are all short-sighted, comforted of the dream of having special place

When in actuality unbeknownst to us, we hold the key of our own prosperity.

…

Broken pieces, unfinished puzzles,

Too many mind games, dangerous pathways,

Countless unknowns…

And yet the lesson not learned -

Let me sell another piece of me!

Midnight Cravings

 

Same old story, endlessly repeating predicament...

Every night I crave you like a dangerous drug,

I am obsessed with the deepness of your voice.

I have embedded the bitter-sweet scent of you into my soft pillow,

I have locked the emotions of us away, let me have a taste of your poisonous body.

The burning sensation of your touch drives me insane, I am no longer in control.

I am weak like a junkie getting its fix, but don’t overstay -  my cravings have no end.

You are nothing more than a cheap dose of pleasure- dealer of night time gratification;

You are not invited for a night stay, you have two hours,

Then I expect you to walk away of this room filled with sinner’s fragrance - my ultimate descent.

…

Don’t ask me if I am afraid to fall victim into the lover’s romance – you are nothing but a breathing toy.

Don’t ask me if I am afraid you might disappoint me if I allow your presence longer than a day – don’t get too cocky – you are just a man for sin not a company for life.

Don’t ask me if I am going to regret the coldness my actions – my dear doll for pleasure, I treat you like you have no soul, less the human.

You have one task at hand, get the job done and leave me alone.

…

Another night full of cravings, another quick dose of minimal contentedness.

I can see the judgement in your eyes and posture.

I am a heartless monster, yet I have a beautiful disguise.

Another night full of cravings, another hour spent in oblivion,

Don’t come again, not even an inch closer – you’re my last chance for salvation 

And yet my possible upcoming damnation....

I am a dealer of moments, nothing permanent

And if you insist on staying you will lose the privileges of getting all the special treats.

I am an innocent monstrosity hidden in a plain side,

I have my own agenda and it's called "I do whatever I want"!!!

Last Goodbye

 

I am finally snuggled in the dark corner of my old room

Filled with sadness, emptiness and anger over my loss.

I don’t like how powerless I feel

Drained in tears, I won’t be able to see you again.

The inevitable void consumes my whole spirit

And in desperation I scream – Please forgive me!

Forgive me for all the days I did not show up when I you needed me,

Forgive me for all the times I came by for shorter period than an hour,

Please forgive foolishness of the young me taking all time for granted!!!

And now when you are no longer here, I can’t stop the guilt

For missing all the birthdays just because – countless excuses,

For not calling more often just because, another missed moment.

…

I have not had the power to shed my tears when I had to,

You taught me how a strong woman should carry herself.

I have not had the courage to raise a toast for you,

My funny bones were cut off my personality.

Please forgive my weakness even now,

When I cannot tell another joke – my inspiration is gone without you.

I know you hated these long goodbyes, you loathed the unnecessary sadness.

I will miss the words of your encouragement, how capable I am in your eyes

And with the look of a naughty child to slip a little dark-humored remark.

Forgive me grandpa, I have failed you for one last time,

When I lost my composure when the bells tossed to remember your life,

I was not able to pick up the pieces, that your absence was giving us.

In your memory I am writing this ode for a life of a good man – caring and loving, yet strict and just,

I am a mare reflection of your grand essence and I vow to uphold the standards installed by you in me.

This is my first bow in front of your bohemian aura which filled my life with joy,

My second bow is for the unweaving support you gave me, even though my thoughts were far too distant for you to understand and yet you never questioned me.

My third and final bow is for your strong persona, finding all the good when the life looks like it will crumble under the pressure of our lives weight.

Thank you for being such an inspiration for a generation you couldn’t figure out.

My last request is to look upon me, taking care of my poor soul,

And when the life gets even harder don’t be shy (I know you won’t)

Just whisper our inside joke in my ear and I will find the strength for fight and grow.

Goodbye, my dear grandpa, may your soul rest in eternal peace

And if we get another lifetime, please be my grandparent or any other of my immediate family.

Maniac In Pain

 

I am wandering alone in the darkness yet again,

Drunk again from the excruciating pain and loneliness,

Drunk from the loss of long forgotten dream.

…

I was longing to be someone else’s support system,

I was longing to be some else’s focal point,

I was longing to be some else’s beautiful dawn,

I was longing to be some else’s solace,

I was longing to be some else’s sunny day!

…

However, the dawn is not ready to grace me with its presence yet,

The Sun set into my self-induced desperation.

And the moon screamed in front of my poor judgement.

She brought the tide of tears, engulfed my bright thoughts

As if my mind is covered with low cliffs, no coasts;

The waves suffocated my desires!

I bid farewell to my impossible fantasies.

…

I am wandering alone in the darkness yet again,

Drunk from the misery of my impaired instincts.

I barely can see the furious fighter inside me –

I am tired and alone.

I am trying to fight it, no partner to correct my moves,

The ring of the starless night is only mine.

I am absent-minded even though my dreams 

Where to be someone else’s biggest supporter, 

The cheerleader on the bench of happiness.

I don’t long anymore to be drawn in the pool

Of somebody’s soft and cheerful laughter.

…

I am wandering alone in the darkness yet again,

Drunk beyond my memory,

Please don’t make me explain how hard is to keep me afloat

Of the big hole full of disdain.

The pains of the past mistakes no longer serve me,

They keep me dead inside, unmotivated to solve what troubles me today,

They killed what was left from me, faded image of the days of easiness.

My drunken soul buried the flames of life under the mud of self-loath,

It keeps me in this intoxicated state not to lose control, detained.

No more sparkles, no more blue sky,

What I am hungry for is the torment;

I feel the hunger for hatred and shame,

I am infected with a new type of virus,

More dangerous than cancer,

Spreading like a lake of wildfire

Until I am burnt in disgrace –

No memories – NEW FACE!

Haunted House

 

Welcome to my haunted house!

Feel the creeping coldness gently kissing your soft skin,

Shiver slowly when the icy breath walks down your spine.

Welcome to my haunted house

Where is hidden the painful pleasure.

Don’t go into the Emerald room on the first floor,

You might find the forbidden desire to undress your soul.

Oh well, my dear, let me look at your naked essence

Stripped from every prejudice built from the outside pressure.

The colourless prudence does not suit you,

Let me take you to the boudoir of colours,

To bathe the in Red of your inner longings,

Pour the Purple of your femininity to this lovely hot tub,

Embrace your darkness – this is the magic of my haunted house.

Then gently add the Blue of your inner strength, feel the tension...

Does it taste too sweet for your liking?

Or maybe take the Green of the unknown forces,

Make it a party game, bathe in the lust you bottle up so hard.

And now rub gently the pink of your innocence on your soft skin,

I want to watch you quiver, align what the body and the soul crave the most.

Be honest with yourself, my haunted house is a safe space,

Entwine yourself around my wicked aura.

Don’t be scared, I won’t bite you yet.

Oh, my dear sinless child, let me show you how wicked you can get,

Drop the act, I am not the Goddess who judge, be truthful to who you are.

Maleficent people are not invited in my haunted house,

I designed this place as magical mirror – to uncover your secret self

And then with the power of every satisfied need to stick to the new You.

…

Welcome to my haunted house!

Some call it the Sinner’s den because every unveiled truth of you

Will force you to embrace the ugliness of your self-oppression

Until you get drunk from all the pleasures and unraveled confidence!

Until you finally accept the power of your inner wickedness,

I will never leave you alone,

I will toy with your quivering body,  

I will play dirty mind games with your spirit until you realize

That my haunted house is the Freedom’s nest

Where all you need to learn is how to be able to express YOUR TRUE SELF!!!